2.16.2003

 
This has troubled me for some time: why don't we have a viable and not offensive noun for cunnilingus like we have "blow job" for fellatio?

Seriously, think about it: walk around a college dinner table some night and if you give yourself enouhg time, you will probably find "blow job" thrown into conversation without hesitation. Frat boys will be talking about Will got Lindsay to give him a blow job last night, and Tom will respond that when Tracy went down on him last week, it was a blow job from the gods.

Blow job blow job blow job blow job blow job. You can say it repeatedly and you don't sound dumb, you don't offend anyone's sensibilities. And if "blow job" offends your sensibilites, not to be overly haughty or anything, but for god's sake, sit down, have a cup of tea and relax. It's just a blow job. BLOW JOB.

On the other hand, seriously, where's a suitable colloquial noun for going down on a girl? Spend the same amount of time walking around meals when only women are present, and I wager you will have a hell of a time trying to catch a conversation where Lindsay says something like "Oh man, Will gave me the best muff dive last night" and no way in hell is Tracy going to answer, "seriously, I love the dive. When Tom munched the rug last weekend, it was all I could do not to scream out, 'God, that was the greatest tongue bath ever!'"

I know, that was a little crude. Which perfectly illustrates my point. BLOW JOB = useful noun. You can ask for a blow job or say you got a great blow job and no big deal. MUFF DIVE/RUG MUNCH/TONGUE BATH = unacceptable. Guys will not offer these things. Girls will not ask for them. No one will offer or request a little cunnilingus; it's sex, not a grammar exercise. And "oral sex" is so passé some times. Saying something like "going down" is just fine, but I want a noun. I don't want subject words for oral sex to be the the exclusive purvey of the male species.

And bullshit on you for calling me out on the fact that girls are the more refined sex and thus don't have a good oral sex noun that can compete with "blow job." Yes, women are better than men in every possible way imaginable, but that does not deprive them of the right to have a good noun for that thing that makes them scream out your name, draw blood from your shoulders and bruise your nose with the up thursts of their pelvis (not that I know anything about that or anything). Not many girls that I know (and obviously my experience translate to everyone's) have a problem with "blow job," so shouldn't they similarly have no problem with a good descriptive noun for oral sex for them? I'm not volunteering "muff dive" or any of the above phrases because they really are quite crude and overly graphic. "Blow job" does not actually describe anything that really goes on during an actual blow job. So all we need is something similarly lucid and yet not crass to jump in there.

Any suggestions?