honorary Hose Monster:
When I was about 14, one of my friends had a little birthday celebration at Ed Debevic's on La Cienaga in LA.
Birthday parties are supposed to be forgetable. Especially when it's not your birthday. But ironically, I find that I often have more fun at other people's parties than at my own. It might have something to do with the fact that my birthday has historically been a non event (but this year was pretty good).
Anyway, so I'm sitting at Ed's enjoying my chicken fingers and our 14-year old witty table banter when my poor 14-year old head feels the impact of a wadded up napkin. I retrieve said napkin to find a message written on it.
"You are the hottest guy I have ever seen."
You must realize that I am aware that I'm looking pretty studly on this particular evening. Knowing I was going out with a bunch of 14-year old dudes, I had dressed my 14-year old best in a pair of jeans and my most favorite quicksilver t-shirt. (I cannot believe they have a web site.) I might have even combed my hair that night. It's a blur. But yeah, I was oozing mack like nobody's business.
I turn around to locate my admirer and discover that the table behind me is populated with a group of girls (11 years old? 12?) who instantly giggle and turn away as I turn my head to them. My first thought is "great, younger chickies." My second thought was "even though they're young, at least they think I'm the hottest guy they have ever seen instead of the ugliest guy." In hindsight, I was really relieved that I was looking at young fifth graders and not starring across the room at Heidi Klum, because to be perfectly honest, much like now, at 14 I had no game whatsoever. I would have had to go over there, stick my foot in my mouth, and blow it with one of the most stunning women in the world. Even though I was the hottest guy she had ever seen.
But the moral of the story is that I went home feeling very secure in my quicksilver-packaged studliness. A great thing for a 14-year old boy who hasn't quite yet tipped the scales at 100 pounds.
The next day my sister told me that she was absolutely positive that I was either going to be a priest or a gay librarian when I grew up.
I didn't feel so studly anymore.