I had the strangest dream last night.

I have a friend with whom I have not really talked at all for more than about six months or so. I think we both went through a pretty busy period, and then she kept promising to call me after finishing such and such business trip or something, but that never happened. Anyway, I knew she was moving, so last night in my dream I showed up at her new address and for some reason decided it would be a good idea to just walk in and look for her while I called out her name. Anyway, I pushed the door open and walked in, catching her in some pretty slinky lingerie and slipping into something or another, but I don't really remember what it was.

She didn't seem embarrassed by the fact that I had caught her in her skivvies, but more that I had seen her at all. I noticed she also suddenly had two nose piercings on the right side of her face which she hadn't had before. Anyway, we started chatting, and I guess after a while she told me that she had quit her old job and looked at the floor. I was a little surprised, but didn't really think much of it. Then as I was getting up to leave, I asked her what she was doing that night, and she looked at me with something of a puzzling glance, then said, "You mean you haven't figured it out?" And that's when I realized that she had become a prostitute and I had caught her putting on her working girl outfit.

Personally, I didn't care much that she had changed her life. I just suddenly thought that it made sense that I had not heard from her for a while. As though changing your life is reason for not saying hello once in a while. And that was the end of the dream. Very weird.

I also posted an personal ad on Yahoo! Personals last night. It hasn't been cleared by the good folks at Yahoo yet, but as soon as it is, if you want to go looking for me, go for it.

I'm newly single, but I wouldn't at all classify myself as desperate for companionship or even really wanting it very strongly. It's true that I recently moved to the cornfield where I know no one (other than those watching the library with me at night, and that's not hyperbole), so I'm having occasional bouts with loneliness. This does not mean that I want to enter another relationship; in fact, I really am not interested in starting one that much at all. I decided to post a personal for amusement. I don't mean that I think people who use these services are silly or pathetic or anything like that. I more think that I am just interested to see if any sees my add in the first place and thinks "Hmm, wonder who this Hose Monster character is," and then, assuming that happens, if anyone goes to the effort of contacting me. I was thinking of sending a few emails out to a couple of people this morning, but to be able to respond to ads, you have to pony up $20 a month, and frankly, I'm just not willing to do that. If I really wanted to meet girls that badly, I think $20 could be better spent flirting with a girl somewhere and offering to buy her dinner some time. But anyway, we'll see if my silly ad generates any interest. I'm not holding my breath.

I watched the most embarrasing first half of football I have ever seen today. So I switched and watched the Michigan-Washington game, which was outstanding. Life is good with college football back.

(0) comments


I noticed that Meesh linked me today in her blog text. I'm guessing that she's responsible for the slightly higher amount of traffic my site got today. The day I top 1,000 hits will be special (and especially relative, since most of the people I read every day probably get that many hits in an hour).

She also called me lazy because I could only make it to 20 things about myself, not equaling her list of 100 (Alfred also put up a list of 20 that was HILARIOUS today based on my list; I'm highly flattered). So even though no one properly identified the name of the bear creatures in the Thunder Cats (robobears or burblebears), I'm putting up the next 80 just to show Meesh and the world that I am not a total lazy sack, and of course, because I love indulging the temptation to talk about myself. I'm a guy. It's what we do.

The Hose Monster's Dumb List of 80 (continued from before)

21. If I could choose the superpower of invisibility, the strength of 100 men or the ability to fly, I'd take invisible.

22. I have no tattoos or piercings.

23. I still drink at least a glass of milk a day.

24. The last place I barfed other than the toilet was in the back seat of my dad's Porsche when I was 5.

25. I've only been on two official first dates in my life. I've been stood up or "had something come up at the list minute" on a lot more than that.

26. I once waited on Jimmy Smits.

27. As I child, I had no body. I was all head with this little growth coming off of my chin.

28. I can drink a whole bottle of wine by myself. I can also pass out by myself later that night.

29. I once had an entire football team out for my ass because of a prank I pulled. They never got me.

30. I once sawed halfway through my finger while building a water polo net.

31. I have seen Batman (the Michael Keaton version) 54 times.

32. I once said that this one girl looked like she had been f*cked too many times. It's probably the worst thing I've ever said about anyone in my life.

33. My favorite TV shows are JAG and Smallville (I'm in big trouble for that one).

34. The neighbor's boy once hit me square in the back with a baseball bat. It really hurt.

35. I can put both of my feet behind my head on a good day.

36. I need to learn not to dip my quill in company ink (six workplace romances/situations and counting!)

37. I'm going to join an online dating service this weekend for the amusement of it.

38. I more or less had to be told what to do the first time I had sex.

39. My mother really wanted to name me Alex. My dad wouldn't have it.

40. I live in a cornfield.

41. I can say "thank you," "quick decision," "suck my dick" and strawberries and cream" in Danish, but nothing else.

42. I was born in Valencia, CA.

43. I once bobbed up and down on the waves of a wave pool while Shaquille O' Neal stood with his feet on the bottom of the pool and laughed at me.

44. I'm not really a night watchman at a library. I'm a law student.

45. I reluctantly think Adolf Hitler should have won Time's "Man of the Century" award a few years ago, because I'd had a hard time making an argument that anyone influenced the lives of more people in the 20th century than that murderous genocidal Nazi bastard.

46. I don't like dessert.

47. I was the bat boy at Dodger Stadium for a game and had my face broadcasted on Diamond Vision.

48. When I was in sixth grade I was on Kidquiz, a question and answer game show for kids, and right before we started taping, the button of my jeans unfastened, but I didn't want to fix it because I was afraid someone would catch me on camera, so I taped the whole show with my pants unbuttoned. I was so embarrassed I wouldn't look at the camera. My team won anyway.

49. My favorite song I have ever written is called "Fat Guy on a Bike."

50. I think Ron Santo should be in the Hall of Fame. So should Pete Rose, for that matter.

51. I've rescued someone by being pulled by them into the pool.

52. My ex-girlfriend's mother remembers me as "Iron Man." And no, I'll not elaborate.

53. I can remember the address and phone number of every place I have ever lived.

54. I cannot remember what I just read two hours ago, but I'll need to know it for class tomorrow.

55. I know nothing there is to know about relationships.

56. I don't have a working answering machine.

57. When I had my first kiss is somewhat under dispute because the girl swears it never happened.

58. If peeing in the pants is cool, then I'm Miles Davis.

59. The worse movie I have ever seen was "The Horse Whisperer."

60. I was once walking this one girl home who I desperately wanted and she asked me if I would walk her all the way to her door (instead of just accompanying her to the outside door of her apartment) because "she was scared there might be someone in the corridor. I actually thought she was just scared and didn't kiss her.

61. I've been kicking myself for #60 ever since.

62. The door to my apartment has bulletproof glass in it.

63. A girl I was dating once gave me mono and then broke up with me a few days later.

64. In Spain I am a blond.

65. I can spell "bourgeoisie" off the top of my head.

66. I don't think I will ever get married.

67. I learned to take pills by practicing with Tic Tacs on long road trips with my sister.

68. I wonder if Heidi Klum's boobs are real, because otherwise her body seriously was created exclusively for the purposes of male fantasies.

69. I get very upset by the fact that many health plans won't cover oral contraceptives but will cover Viagra.

70. I know who John Galt is.

71. I made out with a girl whose name I couldn't say and with whom I couldn't have a conversation because of language differences numerous times over a span of four days.

72. I might be the only person who does not like that wildly popular Nelly song everyone is hearing these days.

73. I don't know how to sail.

74. I passed out and collapsed to the ground in front of my whole church on the day I was being confirmed.

75. I think Dan Lauria might one of the greatest "THAT GUY!" actors out there.

76. My favorite two books are "The Brothers Karamazov" and "War and Peace."

77. I have a theory that most anyone who's hit it big in Hollywood in the last ten years has either appeared on "The Wonder Years", "Saved by the Bell" or was in the movie "Parenthood."

78. I'm terrible at basketball.

79. Over the span of one year, I was directly involved in the purchase of five different blenders, none at the same time.

80. My dad started buying me the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue each year when I was 12. He still does.

81. I've never paid for it. But there have been a couple of times when, man, have I paid for it.

82. I knocked a duck out of midair with a golf shot once.

83. I have dated the sister of one of my best buddies, and he only threaten to kick my ass twice.

84. I've been asked 21 times, in complete seriousness, if I am gay.

85. Objectively, my bed may be one of the most comfortable places in the world, especially when it's really cold and snowing outside.

86. The thieves collectively known as baseball can pucker up and kiss my ass. Hockey season is just about a month away.

87. I think Tim O'Brien is the greatest writer you've never heard of.

88. Many years ago, my friend and I were out T.P.ing some girl's house who was in our class when her mom came outside in her nightgown. We started running and she yelled "come back!" For some unknown reason, I went back.

89. I have a slight fear of bowling balls because my sister hit me in the head with one when I was young.

90. I had a splinter in my palm for a year and half before I finally got it out. Miraculously, it never got infected.

91. My back really hurts from carrying heavy books all over the place, looking at them and working on the computer. I seriously need some rub down lovin'.

92. In my life, I have wanted to be a pro baseball player, a train engineer, a garbage man, an astronaut, a pro hockey player, an FBI agent, a doctor, a writer, a rock star, an f-14 pilot, a photographer, a satirist, a divemaster, a lawyer and a gigolo. I'm not any of those things and don't know if I will be.

93. My checkbook is balanced.

94. My longest relationship ever was 2.5 months. My shortest was 2.5 days.

95. I once told someone "Sorry I didn't wake hard enough to knock you up."

96. I dyslexic am sometimes.

97. I used to tell people that my father, Gary Ward, was a professional baseball player because I knew there was a pro with that name (my father's actual name). I was pretty popular for a while until some smartass kid brought in Gary Ward's baseball card, showed it around and said, "That's your father?" I said, "Yeah, um, I'm adopted." I wasn't so cool after that.

98. I know that Gary Ward the professional ballplayer in the 80's was black.

99. I've been working on this list for way too long.

100. Y al final del día, cuando todo el mundo ya se había acostado, nuestro protagonista apagó el encendedor, fue a la cama y empezó a fugarse en los sueños. I need to be more responsible about going to bed at a reasonable hour.


(0) comments
I'm listening to John Denver again. For all the fun people poke at his music, and at me for listening to him, he really has some great songs. Honestly, if you're just in a chill mood to hang and write in your blog or something, John Denver will often you some great mood music. Check out "Fly Away," his duet with Olivia Newton John (yeah, he did a song with her. How cool is he now?). It will relax you. Annie's Song is also fantastic. When my sister gets married, I have to play that one at her wedding.

I read an article in Newsweek last night about the rise of blogs. Over the last couple of months I have read three or four articles on blogging, and I think most of the articles have overlooked a substantial part of the blogosphere, namely the people like Tony, Alfred, Meesh and Moxie (and I flatter myself by including yours truly in that list), bloggers who do more and less than comment on the news. Sometimes we're a personal diary, or a novel in the works, a soapbox or even just something here for our amusement. True, a healthy majority of the blogs have a news tilt, but I think there's more there than a journalistic view which most of the journalism sources that I read have overlooked (surprise). I think the Newsweek article gets the closest to the mark, though it still glosses over a lot.

I found Robby's page today while giving Tony a read. Robby's is a great blog. I think his writing is top-notch, and he executes his craft with a simple and smooth honesty that really reaches something new. A few more days of great postings and I might have to add him to my links on the left, and in my mind, that's a special honor since I would never direct you to someone I wouldn't read myself on a daily basis.

Chris McKendry's writing usually bores me a little bit, but this gem on why guys quote movies all the time seems pretty good to me. I don't know if I fully agree with all her reasons, but seeing as I have no answers myself, I suppose her thoughts are as good as any. And for the record, I am as guilty as the next guy for quoting movies too. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

Speaking of movies, the Sports Guy's column today had me close to weeping with laughter in the middle of the library. If you've ever openly admitted you like a bad movie because of the laugther quotient, this one's for you. And if that's not incentive, if talks about Keanu Reeves being so bad that he's transcendent. Outstanding.

And for Meesh and Alfred: I'm going to start working on numbers 21-100 in a little bit. But I just wanted to get this stuff out there.

(0) comments


So I'm walking home from the library tonight after a big night of guarding the knowledge of the world, and this guy comes up to me, complete with a goofy-ass grin on his face (and it was dark, yet the whites of his eyes and teeth made me think he was hopped up on PCP), and randomly asks me if I have a cure for the common fuck-up. Regrettably, I don't, though by this time, with my experience and the forgiveness I've been afforded through my life, I should have something figured out.

But I don't.

Meesh encountered a suggestion that bloggers put up 100 things about themselves on their blogs. I really like her list; I'm particularly partial to numbers 9, 17, 32, 73 and 88. Who knew there was another John Denver fan out there in the blogosphere. Honestly, it's JOHN DENVER.

Anyway, Meesh suggests that we all put up our lists of 100. Personally, I'd argue that this blog is already so self-indulgent as to nullify the request, but I'll do my part. However, I'm really tired right now, so I'll do 20. If Meesh really wants to know the other 80 things, she could probably make up more imaginative things for me anyway. But I'll comply if anyone can remember what those weird bear-like creatures in The Thundercats were called without cheating to find the answer (working on the Honor System here everyone).

The Hose Monster's Dumb List of 20

1. I haven't watched TV since Saturday night last weekend, and that was only because I was at a friend's house.

2. I once asked Nikki Cox on a date to watch a Duck Tales video I had on me. She declined.

3. I have seen every X-Files episode ever made.

4. I proudly own a Kenny G album, and I listen to Enya almost every day.

5. I will die happy if the Los Angeles Kings ever win a Stanley Cup in my lifetime.

6. I love to bake, and I always wear my apron when I do so.

7. I once chased a garbage truck down the street completely naked.

8. I am the offspring of two real-life superheros.

9. I once dated a girl who now has a cat named "Mooch."

10. I have never slept with anyone who had more than two syllables in their name.

11. I once mooned an entire dance club while standing on a bar and being stripped by two hot Spanish girls wearing silver lamé bikinis and leather chaps.

12. Not everything in my life revolves around good looking ladies, sex and stories of indiscretion.

13. My friends and I created "The He-Man Drinking Game" a few years ago, but I've never actually played it. I don't know if I could handle that much alcohol.

14. I am an aspiring oenophile.

15. The first concert I ever went to was Debbie Gibson. The second was Phil Collins.

16. Every computer I have ever owned has had a hispanic name. My current machine is Rosita Juanita Sánchez.

17. I have never been to New York City.

18. I am a member of Phi Beta Kappa.

19. I am absolutely head or heels in love with a fictional character.

20. I almost cried last year when Dave Thomas died. If I had a blog then, I would have written quite an eulogy for the man.

21-100 perhaps to come.

(0) comments

(0) comments


I really enjoy the fact that Alfred tells me what he's bumping on an almost daily basis. His most recent revelation that his bumping one of the great rocking songs of all time, "One" by Metallica is backed up with a great story. For my part, I've been bumping John Denver for much of the night.

I would guess that Alfred and I have divergent musical tastes. But that's okay.

I have a dilemma of the highest nature: I need to get a haircut, but I'm an a particularly lazy frame of mind and I don't want to go get it chopped. Complicating this is the fact that ultimately I don't need to really worry about what I look like for the next couple of months, so if I really want to let myself go and just spend some time looking like ass, at the end of the day it wouldn't cause me any truly negative consequences.

I need your opinions. Should I cut my hair very short again?

A couple of arguments to consider:

1. My hair is very thick, and it grows very quickly. Back in high school, I thought I wanted to be a rock star, so I started growing my hair long, and rather than the Kurt Cobain look I was going for, I came out more Paul McCartney-George Harrison like from the Rubber Soul Beatles. Not such a good look for me. This time around I would just let the hair go do whatever it wants until it just got so ugly or nasty that I couldn't stand it.

2. I love my hair. It's very healthy and lustrous. (No, I'm not gay, not that there's anything wrong with that.) More lustrous hair might be cool.

3. Did I mention I'm feeling very lazy?

Okay, so give me a shout out below: cut it or continue to be lazy? I'll abide by the majority decision, which will probably be about three people, but hey, it's better than me trying to make a decision. And feel free to volunteer any hair styles you think I should explore.

(0) comments


When the Blondemaster first guest starred on the Hose Monster Blog, she edified us on how to win a girl's heart. In the issue of gender fairness, I would think it my duty to provide this same service to the ladies out there, but truth be told, they can already figure it out for themselves: look hot, give us some loving, but under no circumstances sleep with us until we've given up hope that the boot knocking will ever happen.

This is obviously a generalization.

Luckily for all of you, I am a lot different than most guys (see: I flatter myself into thinking I have redeeming qualities that other guys lack, but emphasis more on the "I think I have" than on the actual "I have" side of things). And since I enjoy this different state of being, I will provide you with ways to win my heart.

  1. Approach me.
  2. Challenge me to a dual.
  3. Soundly defeat me.
  4. Surgically extract my heart and present it to your sweetheart as a souvenir.

Okay, so that was a little graphic. This is what happens when I try to blog late at night after vigilantly guarding tomes of literature from would be library vandals. I truly apologize. And fulfilling my promise...

The Hose Monster's real list of ways to win his heart

  1. Drive me crazy
    A strange sounding task, but important. (Many moons ago I thought about some of the ways girls can drive me crazy. After an incident in town yesterday, I must also state that I find women wearing pin stripe pants to look really hot. It's very strange, I know.) And the best part is, my observations are only things I have specifically seen. I'm completely open minded, so come up with your own.

  2. Be Britney Spears
    I know, she's trashy, but seriously, I'm beginning to think that from a purely physical way of admiring, no woman is as sexy as she is, especially if you like that made up to look sexy airbrushed I have a style consultant type of sexy, which most guys seem to in fact like. And now that Britney is out on her being not that innocent, I have to tell you I think she is a helluva lot more appealing now. But since Britney is hot on that physical level, and just like I'm not Brad Pitt, let's talk about something more than skin deep like...

  3. Be impossible for me to have
    This is one of those stupid things about me. Guys like conquest sure, and in that sense they will pursue something or someone who might not be easily attainable as proof of their manhood, abilities, whatever. You might say I take it to a new level. If you really know me, you'll more likely say I'm just plain stupid.

    Seriously, I go mad for the girls who would never in a non-Twilite Zone world ever want to have any romantic involvement with me. Cheerleaders with boyfriends or college students while I was in high school, older hot sorority girls while I was in college, beautiful colleagues who wanted to be my friend while I wanted to be in their life during my professional years... it just gets more and more ridiculous. (In defense to myself, there's nothing like having some impossible girl come around to the brilliance that is me. Well, I'm still waiting for that to happen, but when it does, damn I bet it will be great...). But I'm still talking dumb shit that has no proper use in the real world. Let's explore good things that are practicable.

  4. Get me to shut up
    I talk a lot. I know I talk a lot. Sometimes I wonder if I talk a lot because I think my ideas are so great that I need to share them with every one (still flattering myself). If you continually have me shut up, that indicates that you're dropping some pretty weighty thoughts on me and I'm pondering them in silence. Broaden my world. It's damn sexy and damn alluring.

  5. Be confident that you're good at what you do, whatever it is
    Girls say confidence in a guy is sexy all the time. It runs the same way ladies. One of my biggest pet peeves is when girls complain about how bad they look or how bad they suck at something with the possible intent of getting a little sympathy from a friend or a guy or whatever. Be confident that you're good at your activities, and that when you get all gussied up for us, that you look good and we're checking your boobs and your ass out and silently muttering "damn" to ourselves, and leave it at that. You don't have to be bitchy about it either, just like we don't have to be arrogant about it, but you can definitely strike the balance.

  6. Don't worry about saying the wrong thing
    I've had people put their foot in their mouth in talking to me frequently. I've done it more often than anyone I know. But trust me, I know when you're trying to be mean and when you say something mean unitentionally or are just speaking your might. And if you're worried about saying the wrong thing, then it's a pretty safe bet that if you were to somehow say the wrong thing that you did not do so maliciously or intentionally. I don't get offended very easily at all, and I'd rather know what you think. And chances are, if you feel a little hesitant about saying something, then whatever you're trying to get up to saying is probably right on the mark.

    And most importantly...

  7. Be my friend
    One more reason why I really am a very dumb person. I tend to develop attractions or romantic feelings for many of my friends. Of course it does not help that every girl I know and to whom I am close has her own particular sexiness and beauty that I adore, but I seriously think that I have fewer truly platonic girl friends than anyone I know. Something about knowing them attracts me to them so very much. Of course, then you run the danger of making me want you so much that I cease to be capable of being your friend. But that's my problem, and if things go awry, ultimately that's my loss too.

This self indulgent list is not by any means exhaustive. It's just that I am now exhausted. Time for bed. I swear I will write something with some redemptive value soon.

(0) comments
The world is a mysterious place, and even though it’s cliché, the best things happen when you least expect them.

I hate moving. I consider it one of the most bothersome things we do as humans. Pack up stuff that on the whole is really a lot of crap, cart it to some new location, and stash it into new places where most of it will sit uselessly until the next move. This most recent experience has made me want to live as spartan an existence as possible. This is not to say that I’ll be getting rid of my DVDs or anything. I’m just going to try and refrain from acquiring any unnecessary crap.

But anyway, this particular move has been rather tough on me. I was very up and down, and was fearful of going to bed with my nerves keeping me up all night again, even though I had talked to a number of great friends who assured me it would be okay. And then as I was unpacking some of my things I found an old envelope and wondered what was inside.

This story is as true as you want it to be.

I spent three months living in Spain a number of years ago. It was one of the best periods of my life. And I saved most everything from that trip (I’ve sinced tossed a lot of it in my quest to be spartan). This envelope contained letters I had received while abroad from friends and family.

I know my sister loves me, but she wrote me a lot. I never realized quite how amazingly good she was to me then. Lots of laughs in those letters.

I sort of dated a Spanish girl while I was out there. If I were at all intelligent, there would be no “sort of” to that last sentence. She’s one of the finest people I have ever known, and I unabashedly adore her. We hardly ever talk anymore, but I think about her all the time. I’m very eager to see her again. I hope I will next year. We used to exchange letters every couple of days while I was out there, and I saved all of them. I remember every one of those moments she explored.

The big surprise was two letters I received from my grandfather. He died a couple of years ago after battling a number of illnesses for a long time. His writing is a little hard to decipher, but the essence is there. I think these letters are the last two pieces of correspondence I have from him before he really lost the capability to write. And I don’t remember many conversations between the time I returned from Spain and he passed. But here he remains in these letters.

I hate moving, but maybe it’s been worth it. I cannot think of a much better thing happening in those days last week of uncertainty than having found these again. I thought about tossing them because I really am trying to cut down the clutter. But I’m not ready yet for that.

(0) comments


"Back in business, and all is grand..."

So the good news is that I passed all phases of night watchman training. As a reward I have no more drill sergeant, which means that my internet access is back and the Hose Monster lives to blog another day. The bad news is that tomorrow is my first actual day of watching the night. I'm a little nervous, to tell the truth, but I think I will be okay. I'm generally pretty good at figuring out new things.

Anyway, I really have missed writing in here and pretending like there are people out there who actually care that I do so. The real writing will commence again tomorrow, but the for the moment, I just have a few little pieces of business to which I must attend now.

First off, I need to give a very public thank you to my beautiful Blondemaster. Not only did she take over the reins of the blog for a few days and keep it running smoothly, she showed me a very wonderful time yesterday in Chicago (completely G rated, fear not) and gave me a very comfortable couch on which which I laid my very weary head for a night. Thanks babe, I owe you. When are you going to get your own blog up and running so I can give you a very public linking here?

Secondly, I finally got a chance to read my boy Alfred's stuff tonight, and I am quite stunned. He had some nice things to say about me on his blog, but more importantly, it appears he's truly arrived as a blogger and become part of the inside blogging crew. Apparently Meesh is all over his writing, and he even scored a link on Moxie. Very special times indeed. I feel flattered to think I know a little something about him. I'm looking forward to resuming my daily readings at his site.

Anyway, that's all I have for the moment. It's very late and I am very tired. Talk at you soon.

(0) comments