7.18.2002

 

I derive a strange pleasure from watching guys try to pick up women, because the great majority of the time, the gentlemen just end up looking really stupid.

Over the last few years I have had the chance to observe this phenomenon because nearly all of my friends are ladies. And they're all really hot. So when we go out together, I often spend much of the time smiling and trying to decide if my friends want me to step in and run interference or if they are having a good time flirting, enjoying the free drinks and are amused by a random guy's sordid attempts to get laid.

As a dude, I should probably feel some sympathy for these other guys, but the truth is, I don't. I personally don't need to get laid badly enough to get myself good and drunk, pick out some girl who's hot and knows it and let her string me around for a while. Not saying all girls are like that, but honestly, if I'm going to end up in bed with some girl, I'd much rather meet her at the library or a coffee shop, some place where my friends Miller and Budweiser won't go. That way, I have a shot of knowing who this lady is, and if we do end up in bed together, I'm hoping that it won't be the last time that happens because I'll probably know her name, remember her name, and want to call her the next day.

But back to the joy I get from watching guys try to pick up chicks. I have a few of my personal favorite techniques that I want to share with you.

1. The "I'll go right up next to the hot girl and dance very ostentatiously in the hopes that she'll start dancing with me" move.
   
   Unequivocally my favorite dumb guy pick up technique in bars and clubs, especially when the hot lady is dancing with a group of her friends. I can never get enough of the "dear god HELP!" look in the eyes of the molested girl when Johnny Fratboy tries this slick move. I could never imagine how this one could work. And 9 times out of 10, the fact that the guy trying to lay down his groove clearly has no groove to lay down just makes it all the better.
   
   
2. The "My buddy and I will find two ladies together and buy them drinks all night" move.
   
   I would guess this style probably has the most success of any technique. Girls in pairs like to trade gossip, and when two boys come up and pay them lots of attention and buy them lots of drinks, regardless of the actual outcome, the next conversation between the two girls, be it that night or the next day over the phone, will have lots of snickering. It's as a good a conversation piece as any. DISCLAIMER: I don't actually know if girls in pairs like to gossip. I made that up.
   
   
3. The "I'll just stare mysteriously across the room at the hot girl without ever approaching her and hope that I'm good looking and mysterious enough that she will come across the room and talk to me" move.
   
   I actually like this one, if only because it's only mildly annoying, and guys who try this technique either have loads of confidence, none at all or a healthy mix of confidence and negative self-esteem. Plus, if the girl does not want to deal with the gentleman, she can simply choose to not lock gazes with our mystery man. If I were ever going to try and pick up random girls in a bar, this would likely be my preferred method. But probably because I'm too sheepish to try anything else. I'd never make it with this one either, if only because I don't like staring at people, and I feel weird when someone catches my gaze like that.
   
   
4. The "I'm going to come up and be perfectly honest with you and just say that I think you're hot and would like to talk to you" move.
   
   Another one I actually respect on the surface, except that most guys who bust this move will use it on any girl until the technique bears fruit. I could see myself making use of this one, but if I'm ever going to make an ass of myself like this, I can guarantee you that the woman in question will be something else, and I will never use this move more than once a month.
   
   
5. The "I'll just kiss her" move.
   
   This one just astounds me. One night I was out in Spain with an EXTREMELY hot girl who I really wanted but refused to get involved with because she was another American and I was determined to have Spanish women while in Spain (jury is still out on whether that was a wise move on my part) when some dude comes up to her and just plants one on her. I would have laughed my ass off had she not responded and spent much of the next hour making out with him on the dance floor right next to me while my tío Jesus and I were exchanging "Holy shit!" glances. I don't think the two of them actually spoke at all. Just danced and made out. I got to walk her home that night, and we were talking about the whole thing, and she seemed a little surprised. I was absolutely flummoxed. I cannot even begin to describe it.
   

So those are some of my favorites that guys try and pull on beautiful girls. I'm sure I missed some others, but hey, I'm not perfect. Yet.

A request:
If I have overlooked any important guy moves, forgive the oversight and notify me of my transgression. Also, if you have any favorite moves you bust on guys or watch other ladies bust on guys, I'd like to hear about it, because I'm one of those naive types who thinks that girls just sit back and wait for the boys to come get them. So let me know if I am wrong by emailing me or leaving a comment below.