7.22.2002

 

My right arm would be hurting like nobody's business were it not for the enormous bottle of crappy champagne that I consumed beforehand and my fire-retardant racing suit. As it turns out, today was just another trip to the doctor's office to get poked, prodded and asked interesting questions.

(My favorite questions come when I'm giving blood: Have you had unprotected sexual intercourse in the last year? Have you had sexual contact with anyone who you did not know previosuly? Have you had unprotected sexual intercourse with any member of the opposite sex not hailing from the contiguous 48 states or the island nations of Trinidad and Tobago? One must have a sense of humor about these things.)

My blood pressure is 118/70, my pulse hovers between 55-65, depending on how many amazing people are around me and I can still pee in a cup on demand. No word on my cholesterol count just yet, but I should find that out once the small vial of blood I donated today gets analyzed.

How do I stay so healthy, you ask? Well, copious amounts of alcohol, staying up late, sex, drugs and rock and roll. Or something like that. Oh, and yearly physicals. Take advantage of your wellness benefits, my friends, and pay a visit to your doctor every year. Tell them the Hose Monster sent you. You'll be glad you did.

I changed my comments provider last week, and so far I'm the only one who has left a comment (and I'm well aware of what a loser that makes me). Since I fearlessly claim that I need attention, if you're reading these words, be my friend and leave a comment, just so I know that the damn thing works. I give you full license to make fun of me for as long as you want. Just click on the link that says "Shout Out" below. And if you can suggest a fun web site to look at, I'll feature it here. But it must be at least half as cool as Dan Savage (Not for the extremely conservative). I love reading about the weirdos who write to him every week and enjoy even more how he not so politely points out that they are morons.