The Blondemaster is here!! For those of you who may have wondered what in the world Chris was talking about when he said so ominously, "The Blondemaster is coming...," well, that's me. And I'm not so ominous. In fact, I'm just a friend of Chris's (aka, the Hosemonster) who loves teen pop, pedicures, gerber daisies and the color pink. And I'll also be taking the reigns while the Hosemonster is away at library boot camp. We wish him the best of luck.

Anyways, today I have a very important topic to discuss: dating. As I am quickly becoming somewhat of a professional dater, I have lots to say. Not much of it good. Because by and large, the guys that I go on dates with suck. I seem to have a sign on my head that says, "Are you immature, lacking intelligence and not yet out of the closet? Do you wear too-tight jean shorts? If you've said yes to these questions and can also bless me with a couple of hours of it's-like-pulling-teeth conversation, call me! I'm yours!"

Seriously guys, take my advice. Here you have it,

Blondemaster's Tips to NOT Win a Girl's Heart:

1. Wear Jewelry-- specifically chain link silver bracelets. Yes, this does need to be qualified-- not all jewelry has to be bad. A tasteful chain (yes, I've seen it pulled off) or even one of those I'm-trying-too-hard silver thumb rings can be overlooked, but any bracelet that wasn't made by your little sitser out of embroidery floss would look better on me than you. Especially if it's from Tiffany. By the way, this tragedy has never actually happened to me. But let's just say it left KC tossing and turning with nightmares for at least 5 days.

2. Avoid the breadbasket. OK-- this is maybe (ok, probably) just a me thing, but a guy who doesn't eat is boring. And a guy who eats less than me is unnattractive. And worse yet, if it's one of those days when I'm not on a diet, and you are, you can bet you won't be seeing me naked.

3. Forget your manners. I don't care if I'm an empowered woman. You should not under any circumstances drive away while I'm walking to my front door at the end of a date. This one bugs me a lot. Who cares if it's not chivalrous, it's not safe for crying out loud! Especially for people like me, whose motion lights don't seem to detect motion. Plus, walk me to the door and you might get a kiss.

4. Hog the conversation. So here's a typical date of mine:

Me: So what do you do for a living?'
You: I'm in sales, blah blah blah blah blah.
Awkward pause
Me: So do you like it?
You: I love it. I rock at it, blah blah blah blah
Awkward pause
Me: So where did you grow up?

And so on.
Here would be the more ideal date. Take the hint.

Me: So what do you do for a living?
You: I'm in sales, which I like, blah blah blah. What about you?
Me: I'm in consulting, blah blah blah.
You: Do you like it?
Me: Wait, did you just ask me two questions about myself in a row? Let's go back to my place!

So those were just the basics boys. For a full copy of my report titled "How Not to Be Such a Tool" send me some cash. I wonder if the Hosemonster learned anything? Nah, he's perfect already (please read with loving sarcasm).

The end.

PS-- I'm only half as bitchy as I may seem.