8.29.2002

 

I noticed that Meesh linked me today in her blog text. I'm guessing that she's responsible for the slightly higher amount of traffic my site got today. The day I top 1,000 hits will be special (and especially relative, since most of the people I read every day probably get that many hits in an hour).

She also called me lazy because I could only make it to 20 things about myself, not equaling her list of 100 (Alfred also put up a list of 20 that was HILARIOUS today based on my list; I'm highly flattered). So even though no one properly identified the name of the bear creatures in the Thunder Cats (robobears or burblebears), I'm putting up the next 80 just to show Meesh and the world that I am not a total lazy sack, and of course, because I love indulging the temptation to talk about myself. I'm a guy. It's what we do.

The Hose Monster's Dumb List of 80 (continued from before)

21. If I could choose the superpower of invisibility, the strength of 100 men or the ability to fly, I'd take invisible.

22. I have no tattoos or piercings.

23. I still drink at least a glass of milk a day.

24. The last place I barfed other than the toilet was in the back seat of my dad's Porsche when I was 5.

25. I've only been on two official first dates in my life. I've been stood up or "had something come up at the list minute" on a lot more than that.

26. I once waited on Jimmy Smits.

27. As I child, I had no body. I was all head with this little growth coming off of my chin.

28. I can drink a whole bottle of wine by myself. I can also pass out by myself later that night.

29. I once had an entire football team out for my ass because of a prank I pulled. They never got me.

30. I once sawed halfway through my finger while building a water polo net.

31. I have seen Batman (the Michael Keaton version) 54 times.

32. I once said that this one girl looked like she had been f*cked too many times. It's probably the worst thing I've ever said about anyone in my life.

33. My favorite TV shows are JAG and Smallville (I'm in big trouble for that one).

34. The neighbor's boy once hit me square in the back with a baseball bat. It really hurt.

35. I can put both of my feet behind my head on a good day.

36. I need to learn not to dip my quill in company ink (six workplace romances/situations and counting!)

37. I'm going to join an online dating service this weekend for the amusement of it.

38. I more or less had to be told what to do the first time I had sex.

39. My mother really wanted to name me Alex. My dad wouldn't have it.

40. I live in a cornfield.

41. I can say "thank you," "quick decision," "suck my dick" and strawberries and cream" in Danish, but nothing else.

42. I was born in Valencia, CA.

43. I once bobbed up and down on the waves of a wave pool while Shaquille O' Neal stood with his feet on the bottom of the pool and laughed at me.

44. I'm not really a night watchman at a library. I'm a law student.

45. I reluctantly think Adolf Hitler should have won Time's "Man of the Century" award a few years ago, because I'd had a hard time making an argument that anyone influenced the lives of more people in the 20th century than that murderous genocidal Nazi bastard.

46. I don't like dessert.

47. I was the bat boy at Dodger Stadium for a game and had my face broadcasted on Diamond Vision.

48. When I was in sixth grade I was on Kidquiz, a question and answer game show for kids, and right before we started taping, the button of my jeans unfastened, but I didn't want to fix it because I was afraid someone would catch me on camera, so I taped the whole show with my pants unbuttoned. I was so embarrassed I wouldn't look at the camera. My team won anyway.

49. My favorite song I have ever written is called "Fat Guy on a Bike."

50. I think Ron Santo should be in the Hall of Fame. So should Pete Rose, for that matter.

51. I've rescued someone by being pulled by them into the pool.

52. My ex-girlfriend's mother remembers me as "Iron Man." And no, I'll not elaborate.

53. I can remember the address and phone number of every place I have ever lived.

54. I cannot remember what I just read two hours ago, but I'll need to know it for class tomorrow.

55. I know nothing there is to know about relationships.

56. I don't have a working answering machine.

57. When I had my first kiss is somewhat under dispute because the girl swears it never happened.

58. If peeing in the pants is cool, then I'm Miles Davis.

59. The worse movie I have ever seen was "The Horse Whisperer."

60. I was once walking this one girl home who I desperately wanted and she asked me if I would walk her all the way to her door (instead of just accompanying her to the outside door of her apartment) because "she was scared there might be someone in the corridor. I actually thought she was just scared and didn't kiss her.

61. I've been kicking myself for #60 ever since.

62. The door to my apartment has bulletproof glass in it.

63. A girl I was dating once gave me mono and then broke up with me a few days later.

64. In Spain I am a blond.

65. I can spell "bourgeoisie" off the top of my head.

66. I don't think I will ever get married.

67. I learned to take pills by practicing with Tic Tacs on long road trips with my sister.

68. I wonder if Heidi Klum's boobs are real, because otherwise her body seriously was created exclusively for the purposes of male fantasies.

69. I get very upset by the fact that many health plans won't cover oral contraceptives but will cover Viagra.

70. I know who John Galt is.

71. I made out with a girl whose name I couldn't say and with whom I couldn't have a conversation because of language differences numerous times over a span of four days.

72. I might be the only person who does not like that wildly popular Nelly song everyone is hearing these days.

73. I don't know how to sail.

74. I passed out and collapsed to the ground in front of my whole church on the day I was being confirmed.

75. I think Dan Lauria might one of the greatest "THAT GUY!" actors out there.

76. My favorite two books are "The Brothers Karamazov" and "War and Peace."

77. I have a theory that most anyone who's hit it big in Hollywood in the last ten years has either appeared on "The Wonder Years", "Saved by the Bell" or was in the movie "Parenthood."

78. I'm terrible at basketball.

79. Over the span of one year, I was directly involved in the purchase of five different blenders, none at the same time.

80. My dad started buying me the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue each year when I was 12. He still does.

81. I've never paid for it. But there have been a couple of times when, man, have I paid for it.

82. I knocked a duck out of midair with a golf shot once.

83. I have dated the sister of one of my best buddies, and he only threaten to kick my ass twice.

84. I've been asked 21 times, in complete seriousness, if I am gay.

85. Objectively, my bed may be one of the most comfortable places in the world, especially when it's really cold and snowing outside.

86. The thieves collectively known as baseball can pucker up and kiss my ass. Hockey season is just about a month away.

87. I think Tim O'Brien is the greatest writer you've never heard of.

88. Many years ago, my friend and I were out T.P.ing some girl's house who was in our class when her mom came outside in her nightgown. We started running and she yelled "come back!" For some unknown reason, I went back.

89. I have a slight fear of bowling balls because my sister hit me in the head with one when I was young.

90. I had a splinter in my palm for a year and half before I finally got it out. Miraculously, it never got infected.

91. My back really hurts from carrying heavy books all over the place, looking at them and working on the computer. I seriously need some rub down lovin'.

92. In my life, I have wanted to be a pro baseball player, a train engineer, a garbage man, an astronaut, a pro hockey player, an FBI agent, a doctor, a writer, a rock star, an f-14 pilot, a photographer, a satirist, a divemaster, a lawyer and a gigolo. I'm not any of those things and don't know if I will be.

93. My checkbook is balanced.

94. My longest relationship ever was 2.5 months. My shortest was 2.5 days.

95. I once told someone "Sorry I didn't wake hard enough to knock you up."

96. I dyslexic am sometimes.

97. I used to tell people that my father, Gary Ward, was a professional baseball player because I knew there was a pro with that name (my father's actual name). I was pretty popular for a while until some smartass kid brought in Gary Ward's baseball card, showed it around and said, "That's your father?" I said, "Yeah, um, I'm adopted." I wasn't so cool after that.

98. I know that Gary Ward the professional ballplayer in the 80's was black.

99. I've been working on this list for way too long.

100. Y al final del día, cuando todo el mundo ya se había acostado, nuestro protagonista apagó el encendedor, fue a la cama y empezó a fugarse en los sueños. I need to be more responsible about going to bed at a reasonable hour.

Cheers,
Chris