When the Blondemaster first guest starred on the Hose Monster Blog, she edified us on how to win a girl's heart. In the issue of gender fairness, I would think it my duty to provide this same service to the ladies out there, but truth be told, they can already figure it out for themselves: look hot, give us some loving, but under no circumstances sleep with us until we've given up hope that the boot knocking will ever happen.

This is obviously a generalization.

Luckily for all of you, I am a lot different than most guys (see: I flatter myself into thinking I have redeeming qualities that other guys lack, but emphasis more on the "I think I have" than on the actual "I have" side of things). And since I enjoy this different state of being, I will provide you with ways to win my heart.

  1. Approach me.
  2. Challenge me to a dual.
  3. Soundly defeat me.
  4. Surgically extract my heart and present it to your sweetheart as a souvenir.

Okay, so that was a little graphic. This is what happens when I try to blog late at night after vigilantly guarding tomes of literature from would be library vandals. I truly apologize. And fulfilling my promise...

The Hose Monster's real list of ways to win his heart

  1. Drive me crazy
    A strange sounding task, but important. (Many moons ago I thought about some of the ways girls can drive me crazy. After an incident in town yesterday, I must also state that I find women wearing pin stripe pants to look really hot. It's very strange, I know.) And the best part is, my observations are only things I have specifically seen. I'm completely open minded, so come up with your own.

  2. Be Britney Spears
    I know, she's trashy, but seriously, I'm beginning to think that from a purely physical way of admiring, no woman is as sexy as she is, especially if you like that made up to look sexy airbrushed I have a style consultant type of sexy, which most guys seem to in fact like. And now that Britney is out on her being not that innocent, I have to tell you I think she is a helluva lot more appealing now. But since Britney is hot on that physical level, and just like I'm not Brad Pitt, let's talk about something more than skin deep like...

  3. Be impossible for me to have
    This is one of those stupid things about me. Guys like conquest sure, and in that sense they will pursue something or someone who might not be easily attainable as proof of their manhood, abilities, whatever. You might say I take it to a new level. If you really know me, you'll more likely say I'm just plain stupid.

    Seriously, I go mad for the girls who would never in a non-Twilite Zone world ever want to have any romantic involvement with me. Cheerleaders with boyfriends or college students while I was in high school, older hot sorority girls while I was in college, beautiful colleagues who wanted to be my friend while I wanted to be in their life during my professional years... it just gets more and more ridiculous. (In defense to myself, there's nothing like having some impossible girl come around to the brilliance that is me. Well, I'm still waiting for that to happen, but when it does, damn I bet it will be great...). But I'm still talking dumb shit that has no proper use in the real world. Let's explore good things that are practicable.

  4. Get me to shut up
    I talk a lot. I know I talk a lot. Sometimes I wonder if I talk a lot because I think my ideas are so great that I need to share them with every one (still flattering myself). If you continually have me shut up, that indicates that you're dropping some pretty weighty thoughts on me and I'm pondering them in silence. Broaden my world. It's damn sexy and damn alluring.

  5. Be confident that you're good at what you do, whatever it is
    Girls say confidence in a guy is sexy all the time. It runs the same way ladies. One of my biggest pet peeves is when girls complain about how bad they look or how bad they suck at something with the possible intent of getting a little sympathy from a friend or a guy or whatever. Be confident that you're good at your activities, and that when you get all gussied up for us, that you look good and we're checking your boobs and your ass out and silently muttering "damn" to ourselves, and leave it at that. You don't have to be bitchy about it either, just like we don't have to be arrogant about it, but you can definitely strike the balance.

  6. Don't worry about saying the wrong thing
    I've had people put their foot in their mouth in talking to me frequently. I've done it more often than anyone I know. But trust me, I know when you're trying to be mean and when you say something mean unitentionally or are just speaking your might. And if you're worried about saying the wrong thing, then it's a pretty safe bet that if you were to somehow say the wrong thing that you did not do so maliciously or intentionally. I don't get offended very easily at all, and I'd rather know what you think. And chances are, if you feel a little hesitant about saying something, then whatever you're trying to get up to saying is probably right on the mark.

    And most importantly...

  7. Be my friend
    One more reason why I really am a very dumb person. I tend to develop attractions or romantic feelings for many of my friends. Of course it does not help that every girl I know and to whom I am close has her own particular sexiness and beauty that I adore, but I seriously think that I have fewer truly platonic girl friends than anyone I know. Something about knowing them attracts me to them so very much. Of course, then you run the danger of making me want you so much that I cease to be capable of being your friend. But that's my problem, and if things go awry, ultimately that's my loss too.

This self indulgent list is not by any means exhaustive. It's just that I am now exhausted. Time for bed. I swear I will write something with some redemptive value soon.