Dear Hose Monster:

I have noticed that you talk about girls a lot, so you must think about sleeping with supermodels and the like all time. I’ve even heard that you’re completely in love with a fictional person. But you seem like a nice guy, so you might be a great person to ask this question. Why do guys only want these skinny anorexic big boobed girls who aren’t real?

Two-step Molly

Dear Two-step Molly:

Have you seen Brooke Burke lately? Or Heidi Klum? Do you need to ask that question now?

Bad joke. Sorry. Okay, so yeah, I talk about girls like that a lot because I think it is a lot of fun, and often a source of some great humor. I also actually really enjoy playing the part of dumb male, so that’s part of it too.

But why do we actually do it? In some part, women like that represent every man’s ultimate dream of living his life as though it were a beer commercial. But most of us are not stupid enough (I hope) to think that life could ever be like a beer commercial. Besides, if we really tried to live our lives like that, we would all end up with beer bellies, scars on our faces, and most of us will anyway, except for that guy who eats a Chiquita banana every day and then goes barefoot waterskiing.

Next time you get a guy who’s your good friend nice and drunk, ask him who he fantasizes about. Ten to one says he names the cute girl down the hall who’s really shy, or one of his friends. Maybe even you (make sure he’s good and drunk, but be wary he’s not just trying to get into your pants). I know I don’t really fantasize about Britney Spears or anyone like that. I fantasize about people I actually know (uh oh, is that too much information for the people who actually know me? Sorry Adam, don’t be upset…); they’re real to me.

DISCLAIMER: I know the fact that I’m nuts about a fictional character somewhat undercuts my argument. I’m an idiot. But for the record, I’m crazy about her for the fact that she’s smart as a tack, obsessed with her work and the fact that she carries a gun. The fact that she looks great in pin stripes has nothing to do with it (but she does look great in pin stripes).

Take care. And fantasize about Brad Pitt tonight for me.

Hose Monster

For actually interesting advice with respectable answers, try Dan Savage.