She calls me up this morning not long after I had finally gotten out of bed.

Whatcha doing?

"Watching old episodes of American Gladiators."

I'm horny. Come over and let's make out.

Hmm. Tempting. The promise of booty or watching Turbo pull yet another sorry ass spandex-clad boy off the wall. Very tempting.

"But you live more than 100 miles away. It would take me at least two hours to get there."

I'm worth it. You've heard things, haven't you? Come on, I'll give you a blow job.

Tempting. On the other hand, I think I've seen this episode before, and Nitro and Gemini man the medicine balls for the Eliminator in this one. I think I remember one of them cracked this guy upside the head and knocked him clear off the balance beam. His sorry ass never even made it to the cargo net by the time his opponent finished. Blow job or seeing that again. Tough decision, to be sure.

"I dunno babe. Wouldn't it be weird? I mean, we've never even groped each other or anything."

Only because you never tried anything. We've known each other for way too long for you to have never tried anything, don't you think?

"Maybe, but still..."

Come on, I'm horny. And it's been way too long since you got any booty.

How did she know that? Hmm, it's not exactly a huge secret that I am a big loser and that girls don't really like me, but who's to say I haven't found some nerdy little girl who had a sexual animal inside just waited to escape? And there was that girl who told me I was pretty last week. I didn't quite know how to take that, so I decided it was a compliment.

"But it's over 100 miles. Two hours in the car!"

When you get back home tonight you can add a check to your purity test results for fulfilling the "Have you ever gone more than 100 miles for a booty call?" category.

Another tempting argument. I need a little more scandal in my life.

"What are you going to do if I don't come?"

Sit at home and masturbate.

"With the four-inch friend?"

Maybe. Maybe not. Does the thought of that make you horny?

"Yeah right. And besides, if I don't come, you'll just call up some other - wait, hold on." Phew, I almost missed it. Gemini plunked that sorry guy straight in the head. Looked like he got plunked with a gunshot in one of those crappy ass John Wayne movies. He went flying to the right, arms flailing all over the place.

I realized I wasn't going to top that moment today.

"I think I'm going to pass hun. It's just a long way to go."

You suck. Oh well, I wasn't going to give you a blow job anyway.