Email from this morning:

hey hosemonster:

i noticed on your xmas list that you said you wanted penile enlargement. feeling a little unsure of yourself these days, eh?

actually, i was just writing to say excellent work on the rape/murder supreme court post, and just in general to say that i like your blog.

take it easy,
a. fugazi

First of all, thanks for the compliments and for reading A. Fugazi. Now to address the fun part of the email...

I tend to talk about myself a fair amount in this blog, but rather than actually talking about me in physical respects, I talk about my opinions or tell stories about a lot of the dumb shit I've done over the years. Also, when I talk about myself, I tend to inject a healthy amount of self-deprecation into the discussion because I recognize that I have a lot of ridiculous characteristics and do a lot of silly things.

Talking about penile enlargement was meant to be a joke. But if you're really curious...

DISCLAIMER: I'm about to talk all about my schlong. Consider yourself warned.

I have a good relationship with my little Hose Monster. I keep it clean and wash it in the shower, it allows me to pee standing up. I am comfortable with the size of my unit, and under no circumstances would I ever actually think about taking pills to beef up my beef, and if you think I'd let anyone with a scalpel or whatever even near it, then I think you're crazy.

However, I don't think I have a huge popsicle.

I think I might have mentioned this in one of my interviews, but I'm not a big guy. 5'7", generally between 140 and 145 pounds. Given those stats, if I had a 9" dick, I'd probably think I was a mutant or something.

I've never measured it, so I don't have any idea of its size, nor have I taken a tape measure to it to determine my girth. And I'm really not one of those guys who gets hung up on size all that much (though that might have something to do with the fact that I am comfortable with schween). It's been quite a while since I've made a size comment in any context without meaning to make myself look absolutely ridiculous. It's my hoohaa, and I focus more on using it correctly than on wondering if I'm a penis midget.

So I don't think I need penis enlargement, and I don't think I truly am a Hose Monster. I have some fun stories about it, but I don't really think they're appropriate for retelling here, a) because I don't want to seem like I'm bragging, and b) because it's not really my business to tell stories like that in such a forum. But I cannot resist two stories because I don't really think they say anything either way.

  • My mother and a friend of hers had their sons at roughly the same time, so they used to spend time with their kiddies together. A few years ago she was telling me that one day she was changing my diaper and her friend was doing the same with her son, and she happened to catch a glimpse of the other boy's crotch, and her first thought was "Well where is it?" She was telling me that in comparison, this other little kid had nothing. And for the record, when my mother told me this story, I was extremely disturbed that she talking about my size, even when I was less than a year old.

  • One girl (who swore me to secrecy with regard to our little sexual tryst) told a mutual friend that I was the biggest she'd ever had. Of course, she was still drunk from the evening before when we danced naked that morning (I swear I thought she was sober, I had refused her the night before; nice guy image still intact...), and she has since told me she hardly remembers the incident, which is sort of depressing. So I don't know how much credence we can lend to this story. However, for the next year, my mutual friend tried to gather as much additional information relating to my schween as possible. It was pretty damn funny.

Anyway, I think that's just about enough on my little Hose Monster for now. Meesh would be upset at me for not going further, but since she's sadly disappeared, I think it's okay for now.

Anyway, I'm not feeling the need for enlargement, and I don't think I'm huge. And it's fine.