Hi stack of magazines sitting on top of the toilet tank in the bathroom of my friend's apartment I'm visiting for the afternoon.

Hey Hose Monster.

Hi Maxim.

Yo man.


Good day, Hose Sir.

What's happening, Stuff?

Hey dog.

And you, Maxim México, how are things?

Bueno amigo, ¿cómo van las cosas contigo?

So I have to tell you, I enjoy reading you guys now and again, and I'd be a giant jackass if I didn't admit to finding many of the pictures in your pages to be compelling.


A pleasure.

Muchas gracias.

I sense a "but" coming...

But why do you guys always hang out in the bathrooms of guys either in their 20's or their college years?

Good question.

It's something I've been thinking about for a little while now.

If I had to guess, I'd start with the theory that a man's hopper is also his throne.

And any good ruler needs some quality entertainment while he's doing his ruling.

You're sitting there, doing your thing, and you don't necessarily need to overly focus on the task at hand. You can let your mind roam freely to explore its interest. Like us. And a scantilly clad Lucy Liu.

I suppose that makes some sense.

Encima, ya sabemos que mientras se sentamos en el trono, ya estamos en un estado medio desnudo, pues es natural querrer pasar ese rato con una mujercita igualmente desnuda.

Another good point. Sort of.

And dudes are not exactly given to lounging around the house and reading. This way we can contribute to the development of their minds.

Nonetheless, it still seems a little strange to me. Dudes reading guy magazines is one thing, partly because the thought of looking at hot women while sitting on the hopper just seems an extremely strange thing, and I know I could devote the proper attention to a magazine of such content in those times, but I'm more focused on the general strangeness of reading on the can.

Why does it seem so strange to you?

Maybe it's just me, but I cannot read something for just thirty seconds or a minute or whatever.

Makes sense ... but that makes it seem weird because...?

Well it's not like I'm spending copious amounts of time in the head.

You're not?

Qué extraño. ¿Qué haces mientras estás en el baño?

Same as anyone else, I suppose. Walk in, do my business, get out. Never takes more than two minutes.

¡Por dios! ¡Dos minutos! ¿Cómo puede ser posible?

Two minutes?

Yeah, two minutes?

Most of the time. Get in, do the deed, get out. That's it. It's not like it takes a long time.


Not based on my experience.

Wow, every time a dude comes in here to take care of business, it takes him at least a good five minutes, and that's on the low end of the spectrum.

A dude cannot be crapping for five minutes, right?

Logically, I can understand that.

Eso me parece racional también.

So what the hell is he doing in there for so long?

Reading us?

But why in the can?

Can you think if a better place?

Yeah, but that's for another time.

Why for another time?

Because my time is up. It's been two minutes and I'm finished here. No reason to stick around.


Anyway fellas, thanks for keeping me entertained. And FHM...


Nice spread on Ali Landry this month.


Catch you all next time.



Hasta luego.