Ahhhhhhh... AAAAAAAAA

So good to see you too Hose Monster.

Good grief Mr. Toilet Seat, what's the deal with being so damn cold?

It's the middle of the night!


It's December!


You're being prudent and following the energy company's guidelines of setting the thermostat at 68 degrees to stay comfortable while conserving energy!


I'm made of porcelain!

So what are you saying?

That those four things don't go so well together!


You're lucky that you only have to endure that cold shock for a few seconds. Once you get up and stop warming me up, I have to deal with being frigid all night and generally longer, seeing as most of the time you just come in here and stand above me doing your middle of the night peeing ritual. It's not fair...

No need to get your pipes in a knot...

Yup, you just stand up there, yawning and peeing, taunting me with the knowledge that if your body decided it wanted to work just a little bit differently in that moment, I could enjoy a few sweet moments of warmth stolen from your arse.

Be glad I give you those moments.

Be glad? Screw you buddy! To be completely frank, your ass is way too small anyway to do an adequate job of warming me up. Spend some time eating fast food and less time working out, will ya? The winter still has three months left to run!

Great, so in the middle of the night, when I'm only half awake until a freezing shock assaults my ass, my toilet starts talking to me about how sucky his life is. And then he goes on to tell me that I should try to get a fatter ass.

You could put words on it for everyone to read...

Can it. And honestly, you cannot be THAT cold all the time.

Well come to think of it, sometimes in the middle of the night, when you men are only half awake, your aim can be a little off, and the truth is that pee is warm.

See? It's not all that bad.

Hosey, let me ask you a question. Would you rather be cold but sanitary or warm but covered with someone's pee?

I'm going to assume that's a rhetorical question.

Regardless, I think you get my point. You wouldn't like it if I peed on you, even if it was thirty below in here.

I wouldn't like it if you peed on me because that would mean you might have a penis, and honestly, at three in the morning, I'm not really prepared to ponder the freakishness or the implications of that.

Honestly, I'm beginning to think you don't appreciate me and don't understand what I go through for you.

Aw, now don't get like that...

Every day I'm here for you. I give you relief, sometimes profound relief, every day. I'm bright and shiny. I give you a way to make the room stop spinning when you come home drunk, and I've even been your pillow for you on nights you've come home very drunk and reeking of cigarettes and ghetto perfume. And all I ask in return is to steal a little warmth from an ass that's not even big enough to give a good two-handed grab to, let alone adequately warm up a poor lonely toilet seat.

Wow, when you put it that way...

You're damn right "When you put it that way..."

I'll try and be a little more appreciative next time.

Hey where ya going?

I'm done here. Back to sleep. G'night.

Sigh... Brrr...