I get jealous very easy sometimes. Dan the Goose is jealous of my email address. I'm jealous of his Internet woman.

Of course, I'm not the kind of guy who would try and steal another man's girl, she he has nothing to fear. Especially since no one knows what I look like and, if they did, he'd be really confident about not having anything to fear. But I thought I would joke around with my girl Sarah, so I wrote her yesterday asking why she loved Dan but not me. After all, I reasoned, I have the word "goose" in my email address too, I could also teach her to play guitar, and perhaps most importantly, I am of legal drinking age.

Beautiful Sarah seemed none too impressed by my jesting romantic overtures. Being the nice girl she is, she started with the "I do like you, but..." technique by telling me that she does love me, but she doesn't want to marry me. She claims that she does not want to marry me because I'm not an engineer, my name is Chris and there happens to be a beautiful girl named Amanda in Illinois.

She's certainly right on the engineer argument: I think I am probably the absolute antithesis of an engineer. However, my prowess with duct tape is well documented. My name is also Chris. She's got me there. I'll admit my name is pretty much as run of the mill as you can get, unless you're a John Smith or Michael Jones or something like that, but I don't think I'm run of the mill. Whoever is out there giving guys named Chris a bad name is not my friend. And yes, I do know of a certain girl named Amanda in Illinois. My sources tell me she's pretty damn cool, extremely beautiful and lots of fun. I'll have to look into this girl a little bit more.

So maybe she's right. I've got nothing on Dan the Goose. But I promise not to cry myself to sleep tonight, because even with all that, Sarah still hearts the Hose Monster.