1.14.2003

 

I went to bed last night trying to suffocate the overwhelming desire to be brutally honest with everyone and everything with which I interacted. Unfortunately, at 1:15 in the morning in the middle of the corn field, my potential interactions are rather limited, especially when school has not begun the spring session and the main strip outside my window resembles a ghost town more than a thriving row of bars peppered more than occasionally with undergraduate vomit.

Then I decided that I felt like saving the world. But how to save the world, I wondered. With everyone bickering over the minutest little things and British Cricket players refusing to play their game in Zimbabwe, what world-saving could I possibly hope to accomplish from the HM Blog? I could pacify myself by trying to lead by example, by keeping things pleasant in here and showing that you don't have to love everyone around you but maybe you should try not to hate everyone, but then I realized that such words would fall impotent on readers of such sophistication, readers immune to brainwashing to the extent that they have turned away from mainstream media to blogs in the first place. And I realized that all I had left was the ability to continue posting Victoria's Secret pictures, which, although everyone loves them, may ultimately create more unrest than they alleviate.

So instead I shot back an ounce of WalQuil (I cannot be bothered paying three extra dollars for NyQuil when Walgreen's provides me with an affordable and chemically equivalent alternative) and fell into a delirious sleep.

I awoke this morning feeling brutally honest again. I will answer all questions immediately with complete candor today. Have I ever ended up in emergency room because I decided putting my mouth on a pool chlorinater would be a good idea? Yes I have. Have I ever been clotheslined off my bike by a mailbox? Yes I have. Do I have a tattoo on my ass that says "God love Joan Rivers"? Not yet.

Now is your big chance. Ask me literally any question you want and I will answer it here, unless it's really inappropriate. Leave it in a comment or email it to me.

Hurry.