Louisiana asks:

Do you have a tattoo anywhere else [on your body], including one that would..um.. expand in certain situations?

Sorry to disappoint, but my body is completely free from any tattoos or other adornment, including piercings (unless you include the piercing my friend and I did when we were 12 in my left earlobe with a bottle of rubbing alcohol, a piece of a potato, a needle and a LOT of pain. I let the hole grow together three days later, and shockingly only a minute scar exists to remind me that horrible day ever happened). I'm not much of a fan of tattoos and the idea of people getting them generally does nothing for me, although I must confess that my girlfriend has small tattoo on the base of her back that more or less resembles a gerbera daisy in a muted red color, and I love it. At night I like to draw the back of my index finger across it, but that's not something you really cared to know.

I'm not exactly sure why I have the smallest of dislikes for tattoos and piercings. Perhaps I grew up with parents who were very conservative in that respect, perhaps I'm just very conservative in that respect. I do obsess about my body to some extent, and I want it to look good, but my personal opinion is that the best way to make that happen is at the gym and does not involve needles. But that really just applies to me; I don't have any disdain for people who think or feel otherwise.

And LA, even assuming I did have the desire to get a tattoo, the last place I would put it would be the little Hose Monster (and I assume that's the item to which you're referring, because if other parts of my body are occasionally expanding, I don't really want to know about it). Call me a wussy, but placing a buzzing needle near your commander in chief just strikes me as bad idea.

Thanks for the question.

Zak, I will answer the two-front war question next. The truth is that over vacation I have slipped a little bit on my knolwedge of world events, so I need to bone up very quickly on what's going on out there so I don't say something that makes me look extremely stupid. At least I'd like to think I can do that...