This morning I had an interview for a job I really do not even want. But figuring that at some point in this miserable job search I might actually manage to land an interview with an employer in whom I am actually interested, I figured I should take the interview anyway. Along that line of thought, I decided I would put a little effort into the interview.

I stopped in the Office of Career Services at the law school to get some interview tips and pick up some literature. One such paper had a list of questions I might expect to have to answer during an interview. So last night, I prepared myself by going through some of these questions and hashing out some answers. Some of my favorites follow below:

What do you see yourself doing in five years?

Driving cross country in an SUV with the back seat down on the quest to have sex in all 50 states.

Why did you come to law school?

I really like chilling in the library.

How do you define success?

Being able to wear bicycle shorts every day to the office without having laugh at you.

Why should I hire you?

They call me Hose Monster for a reason.

What do you do in your free time?

Make up shit and publish it on the Internet.

What do you read? What are you reading right now?

This week's Honorary Hose Monster.

Describe your most rewarding law school experience.

Leaving class to have sex. On multiple occasions.

What two accomplishments have given you the most satisfaction?

Making an absolutely perfect bleating noise when trying to educate someone on how a goat sounds. Falling down naked while trying to put on my boxers.

Tell me about your college years.

They never happened.

Do you think your grades are a good indication of your academic achievements?

Probably. I also think they indicate that I could whoop your ass at Jeopardy.

How are you doing in your present job search?

I'm interviewing with you. How do you think it's going?

What kind of boss do you prefer?

The hot kind.

Are you willing to travel?

Are you willing to send me?

How competitive are you? Will you fight to get ahead?

I draw the line at kicking someone in the groin to gain advantage. That's not permissible in any circumstance.

Tell me about your writing sample.

It sucks.

My license plate says "TRIALS." What does yours say?

Up Yours.

If you found out you had 24 hours to live, how would you spend them?

Trying to kill myself in every stupid way possible. Skydiving, bungee jumping, strapping myself to a rocket; whatever's available.


As you can guess, I knocked 'em dead this morning.