Hello Hose Monster liver.

Greetings, bastard abuser of me and my cleansing abilities.

I gather I find you today in something other than the best of moods.

You gather correctly.

Why so low, exalted Hose Monster liver?

Flattery will get you no where at this point.

My apologies. Why so low, savior of the morning after?

Because you have unceremoniously abused me all weekend without ever once considering my feelings, without asking me if I would like to take the weekend off.

You had Saturday off last weekend.

Probably because you consumed an entire bottle's worth of wine in one night. I had passed out from over-exertion by 3 in the afternoon.

Ooh, you're right. I had sort of forgotten about that.

Of course you had. When the weekend arrives, you seem to forget a lot of things and fail to consider what how your organs want to spend the weekend.

Not true at all. I spend lots of time worrying about the enjoyment of some of my organs on the weekend.

Such as?

Not something we need to discuss now. I'm told that I should refrain from kissing and telling, and all other things pertaining thereto.

Well whatever. But this morning it's all about me. You make me bust my ass for you both nights this weekend and never consult me prior to putting me to work. Does that sound fair to you?

Well, you are MY liver...

And it is YOUR life, but how enjoyable a life do you think you would have if I decided to stop conforming to YOUR commands?

Ooh, natch.

Look, I'm not asking for veto power here. I understand that you work hard all week and Friday and Saturday become your moment to forget your responsibilities and just kick back for a while. I don't wish to take that away from you.

So what exactly do you want?

Maybe just some consideration. You don't necessarily have to follow my wishes all the time, but I think I would feel like a more important, less taken for granted organ if you could deign to give me a heads-up before putting me to work.

You just used the word "deign." You must be the most articulate liver out there.

Oh, and another thing. That shot of straight Tanqueray last night was really unnecessary. I know you hate gin. So the only reason you could have possible decided you wanted to do that had to be something aimed at me.

A moment of weakness. I apologize.

Hmm. Well, I guess it happens. Apology grudgingly accepted.

Good. Do you feel better now?

Yeah, I'm glad we had this conversation.

Me too.

How are you feeling this morning?

As far as being hungover? I feel great, thanks to your hard work last night and my foresight to take some Aspirin before hitting the sack.

That's good. How are you feeling otherwise?

I am really horny right now.

Hmm, I'm only a liver. Don't think I can help you with that one. Might need to consult some other organs.

Apparently I do all my thinking with them already. I fear consulting them now will only serve to embolden their control of my life. So maybe I'll just look at some Victoria's Secret pictures instead.

You really think that's going to help you?

I dunno, it's just... hold on a second.


I'm okay having conversations with things that cannot talk, but...

But what?

But having a conversation this long with anything like you seems really weird to me.


Do you think it's weird?


Hose Monster liver?


Oh well. Until next weekend then.