Joe Millionaire and The Bachelorette both reached their respective ends this week. In the next few weeks, we will have the opportunity to watch more misled people try and find their soul mate in the embarrassing light of national television. More close to home, members of our own community, like the adorable Madison Slade (and isn’t that a great name?), wonder out loud why finding the right person seems at times like such an insurmountable challenge.

We get excited about meeting someone, we feel that they might be “the one,” we look a little down the road, and then something happens, things fall apart, and after we finally work through our sorrow, we sit alone at night and wonder how we could make such an egregious error in judgment, how that horrible asshole could make us think that we had finally found the one.

Ladies, I have a secret. You’re looking in the wrong place.

To find your perfect man, you need look no farther than the feet.

While those of you in the studio audience chuckle, indulge me for a moment. You can sum up the character of a man, what you can expect from him, from a thirty second perusal of his feet.

Give them an overall glance. Clean, well-groomed feet can tell you that you have a guy who cares about his appearance, who cares about keeping himself presentable. But look deeper. If his feet look too good, if the toenails are always short, never in need of a trim, never have a little dirt under them, then he just might be gay. Remember, we’re talking about guys here. A little dirt under the toenail, a little length on those toenails, a little toe jam between the digits: these phenomena should not overly disturb you. A man needs to keep himself a little edgy. If he’s too clean, he probably wears an apron when he cooks (and yes, I do that), he probably keeps his bathroom immaculate and buys Windex and Comet in bulk. You want a clean man. You might be the type of woman who does not want her man too clean. The shape in which a man keeps his feet will tell you an awful lot about the way he lives his life. Similarly, if his feel look grimy, if he’s growing his own culture under the big toe, if his toes are gnarly, unkempt, repulsive, be wary: you might be dating a frat boy who’s idea of décor consists of beer posters and neon Bud Light signs. Learn about your man’s cleanliness by looking at the state of his feet. Moreover, a cleanly guy frequently manages to keep the rest of his life in order, and if he’s conscious enough to think about his personal tidiness, he might just be considerate enough to give you that emotional support you need.

Toe nails can tell you a little more about the man than just if he’s a clean guy. Sweep a glance over his big toes. The lay person might not think about this, but guys like to damage their big toes. We drop things on them all the time: dumb bells, pony kegs, your furniture when we move you into your new apartment. It hurts like holy hell when it happens, but having purple marks or even a fully lost toe nail on a foot is something of a badge of honor for dudes. A busted toe nail tells you that we’re okay with doing guy stuff. Picking up heavy things, carrying them around, setting them down inadvertently on our own feet. Some of you may claim to want a guy without rough edges around the corner, someone who keeps their feet immaculate as described above. But let’s keep ourselves honest: the gorgeous Madison Slades among us want a nice clean guy, but not one who’s a complete nancy. Big toenails will go a long way to telling you which one your perspective guy is.

But is he a complete moron? Can he maintain a decent, engaging conversation? Articulate, intelligent, and above all, interesting? And even if he possesses all these qualities, will he be a total dud in the sack? Four inches of flaccid nothingness? A thirty-second special? Or can he make you exercise those lungs, build up that tension in your body before relieving it in fantastical fashion? Will he make you want to practice your Kegel exercises? I know you think you simply could not derive this information from his feet, but you have followed the wrong path. Leave it to your friendly neighborhood Hose Monster to enlighten you.

You probably didn’t know it, but index toes can convey a lot of information.

We’ll start with the right foot. Check the first digit in from the big toe. Does it just sort of sit there, part of a descending line running from the tip of your big piggy to that of your littlest piggy? Can you draw a relatively straight line the top of your big’n to the top of the next toe? Or does it even protrude above the big toe, standing out and declaring its prominence and beauty?

The index toe on your foot indicates your level of intelligence. A long index toe indicates an enhanced level of intelligence. Use this knowledge to assess yourself. Use this information to assess your potential mate. (Bear in mind, I wish not to suggest that if you have a short index toe that you feel off the dumb tree. The index toe phenomenon is not an either-or principle. A short toe does not equate to dumb. However, a long toe does strongly suggest intelligence. Ladies, use this new info to your advantage.

Let’s switch to the left toe. On the left toe, you will find a very important source of information. The index toe on your left foot is the revered Sex Toe.

Go through the same index toe analysis described above and pray you find a long one. If you find yourself a man with a long Sex Toe, you’ve found yourself a tiger in the sack. You’ve found yourself a guy who knows his way around your body, who won’t twist your boobs as though he were trying to open a jar of peanut butter, but one who will caress them and lick them and make you moan from it. You’ve found yourself a guy with deft hands and a great rhythm. You’ve found yourself a guy who just might have a full nine and half inches of Third Leg. You found yourself a dedicated chauffeur to take you to Happy Orgasm Land. (Again, not an either-or principle. However, a great Sex Toe is more indicative of a great lover than its brother on the right foot. And just for the record, the index toe on my left foot has a whole quarter-inch on the big toe.

And the best thing about this foot analysis is that you have to wait for the right opportunity to employ it. Any good theorist needs to understand the pitfalls in his or her own theory. I recognize that most ladies cannot choose their perfect mate based on these four principles. But the beauty of the Foot Analysis is that every guy goes through a screening process with a woman before he ever makes it to a place where you, the beautiful Madison Slade or whoever you are, can surreptitiously make a foot assessment. Most of the time, you will not get yourself into a situation with a guy where bare feet come into play until you’ve spent some time with the gentleman, until you have allowed him the great privilege of buying you dinner a few times. The Foot Analysis usually waits until at least the third date.

This gives you time to perform an initial screening, to make sure that your potential guy has at least enough conversation to make it through a few nights with you, has the necessary smarts to know not to stare and that bitchy blonde with the huge boobs to your right. The Foot Analysis makes you wait until you get to a point where you think you might genuinely have an interest in the guy, a point where you wonder if he might be worthy of an investment of your emotions and your body. The Foot Analysis gives you a great way, unobtrusive of confirming your hopes and suspicions.

So all my lovely ladies, I share with you a great way to assess your man without his awareness. I share this with you freely, wanting only the best for you, and only ask in return that you use the Foot Analysis wisely and sparingly. And try not to share it too often. You wouldn’t want men out there to have a reason to start doctoring their feet in an attempt to jump your bones. Don’t let them effectively eliminate the viability of the Foot Analysis.

Yours in love,