Dear Jennifer Lopez:

I ain’t fooled by the rocks you got.

I’m also not stupid enough to believe, nor are most of us not willing to walk in the shadow of your gigantic ass, that you’re still Jenny from the block.

Jenny from the block does not go through men like nobody’s business. Jenny from the block does not have a very public relationship with one of the most public figures in the world, drop him at a moment’s notice, suddenly marry one of her dancers months later, then drop him less than a year later to start a tabloid romance with a People’s Sexiest Man Alive and get herself a huge, horribly ugly pink diamond engagement ring less than a year after her previous marriage ended.

Jenny from the block does not leave her man during his very public criminal trial. Especially when she happened to be a key figure in the night’s events during which the shooting allegedly occurred.

Jenny from the block does not get lucky enough to star in a brilliant film and look like a halfway capable actress purely because Steven Soderbergh’s script for “Out of Sight” is absolutely ingenious.

Jenny from the block does not tell Ben Affleck, or any man for that matter, that he may not have a bachelor party. Jenny from the block has a little more confidence that the man who gave her an ugly pink ring, had the willingness to star in her dumbass video and have his life plastered on the tabloids because of her really does want to marry her and has the capacity to have a good time without doing anything to jeopardize their marriage.

Jenny from the block does not forbid her man from hanging out with his very public best friend, with whom he earned one of the highest honors in his field, purely because she dislikes him. Furthermore, Jenny from the block does not provoke such vitriol in her man’s friend, who seems like a genuinely good guy (said with extreme caution and speculation).

Jenny from the block does not have her own clothing line. Jenny from the block does not drop her given name and start going by a more media-friendly, catch term like “J-Lo” that sells movies, clothing and merchandise. Jenny from the block does not slap this term and a logo bearing it on a trendy clothing line. Jenny from the block does not charge the young women who only want to look attractive way exorbitant prices for little itty bitty clothes that try to make them look like her ho ass instead of attractive young girls out having fun with just a little bit of edge. Jenny from the block remembers how trying to look good can cost a lot of money and sympathizes accordingly.

Jenny from the block does not have her own perfume. Jenny from the block also is not facing a potential lawsuit based on the name of her fragrance.

Jenny from the block does not have her own cult following because of her ass. Jenny from the block does not spark debate as to whether her ass is the perfect two-hander or just plain disgusting.

Jenny from the block does not have her own entourage with an eyebrow specialist and an eyebrow assistant. Jenny from the block does not pay people to follow her around for exclusively that reason.

And most of all, Jenny from the block does not pretend to be someone she’s not. Jenny from the block recognizes how lucky she has been to receive every break in the world and admits that she’s not the same woman she was back in those Bronx days.

Ms. Lopez, you can probably gather that I have no respect for you. I don’t resent you or your career. Some people get extremely fortunate breaks because they have talent dripping off them. Some people just get the breaks though they may not deserve them. I need not pass on what type of person you are; it’s irrelevant to my point.

You have risen from a life you assert was very poor to the top of the world. The world caters to every one of your whims. You have success, you have one of the most attractive men in the world, you have a multi-faceted career where every step you take leads to success. You have the world right where you want it. I don’t begrudge you any of that.

What you do not have is one ounce of perception or context. In place, you have hypocrisy.

Whether or not you’ve earned it, you have fame, money and success. Those have led to cars, clothes, jewelry, vacations, homes, failed relationships and endless media attention. It has also led to profound change.

I’m sorry, but your assertion that you’re still Jenny from the block has absolutely no merit to it. Poor people from the Bronx, people from the block, who are still truly people from the block, simply would not find the need to have not one but two people following them around for the express purpose of making their eyebrows look good.

Real people from the block would not falsely assert ownership to that block in order to sell a million records and make more money they’ll never find a way to spend in a worthwhile manner.

I do not find fault with your success. I find fault with your disclaiming that success and claiming to be something you are not in a calculated effort to spring the very success you disclaim to the next level.

Use that line in your next song. Run it by your eyebrow specialist and your eyebrow assistant as they fawn over you, making sure your perfectly sculpted brows still look perfect while reinforcing your Bronx attitude.

Hose Monster