This bag comports with Hose Monster regulationsHaven't roller bags made our lives easier? Who even remembers anymore what it was like to lug a big suitcase through the airport, set it down, pick it up and take two steps, repeat 40 to 50 times, and finally get to check it in at the counter? Do you? Nowadays, trying to identify our black roller bag suitacase from among the other 12 black roller bags on the baggage claim carousel seems our biggest problem; the aching shoulders, peppered with shoulder straps, the blistered palms aching from the leather handle are all a thing of the past. God bless you, roller bag.

I hate the damn things.

Maybe I should rephrase. I hate how enamored we have become of the roller bag. We love the damn things so much that we want every bag of ours to have two rollerblade wheels and a pull-out handle.

I used to work in the downtown area of one of the largest cities in this country, and I commuted to work using public transportation and my two lovely footsies (and I really do have pretty feet, especially for a man). Every morning, I blended into a crowd of people denser than any "Where's Waldo" torture you could possibly imagine. Everyone bumping each other with their briefcases, document bags, laptop cases.

Except for those bastards with the roller bags. They just walked trailing that thing behind them, rolling it over feet and bumping it against knees. This from a bag probably no more than a foot high and two feet wide, like a standard laptop case. But with a three foot extending pull handle and two cute little wheels.

This bag violates Hose Monster regulations and should be defiled by a flock of angry seagullsThe roller bag has become something of a popular item at the Cornfield College of Law as well. More than a few students have these relatively small bags which they roll giddily down the halls, serenading us with beautiful sounds of click click click at 8 in the morning.

Every time I see it I just want to come running over and plant the sweetest "It's a miracle field goal attempt from 59 yards!" kick on it you could possibly imagine.

Don't misunderstand me, in the realm of travel, the roller bag has made my life and yours much more pleasant. I have a bright red roller bag that I adore, and I keep all my scuba gear in a travel bag that has these beautiful little Tonka truck wheels on it. But we can all use the help with suitcases; any joker without some freakish ability to pack six days worth of clothing into a duffel bag (see: Hose Monster) knows that even a quick weekend jaunt requires at least 30 pounds of crap stuffed into a big bag. Having wheels and a little pull handle to negotiate all that crap around just makes sense.

But when your bag is only slightly bigger than a bread box, are you so pathetic that you need wheels to help you out?

Look, I know laptops can weigh a few pounds, and hey, law school books get a little heavy, but honestly, neither weighs *that* much. And seriously, those backpacks with wheels on them... it's already a backpack, for the love of Pete. You already have two convenient straps to help you schlep it around on your dorsal. Besides, law school is actually just a sequel of high school, so go throw your damn books in your locker like you did before 10th grade gym class. Then you won't expend so much energy towing your crap around and you can experience greater success at dodge ball. It's not hard.

I therefore, in my infinite wisdom and knowledge that I will some day rule the world, impose these two simple guidelines on the permissibility of roller bags:

  1. If you're actually transporting real stuff, or lots of it, such that you require a bag that reaches at least above mid-thigh, you might have a legitimate reason to employ rollers. However, unless you are an anvil salesman or required to move around other heavy equipment as part of your daily life, you only have permission to use a roller bag for purposes of traveling and transporting large amounts of items.

  2. If the length of the pull handle of your roller bag exceeds the height of the bag itself, you are to burn said bag immediately. Under no circumstances should a bag have wheels if it requires the pull handle to more than double the profile of the package.

I hope this has been informative. Lazy asses.