honorary Hose Monster:
I find myself a little low on money these days.
I have a credit card bill sitting next to me on my coffee table that has a higher balance than that of my checking account right now. No big deal, of course, since I can just pay small increments on that bill, but since I excel at anal-retentive living, I dislike carrying a balance on my card. So I would really prefer to pay the bill in full. Tough to do when Mastercard has fronted you more money than you have. Obviously, I recognize things could pose greater problems than those I have now, so ultimately, I still consider myself in a pretty good place, all things considered. And hell, in five years, I will have more money than all of those peons out there. After all, the only reason I chose to go to law school was money. That and the opportunity to upset people with my jokes about having lots of money and not caring about anything else in the future.
Anyway, I have spent the last week contemplating some schemes to turn a quick buck or two. I heard a radio commercial about how I could earn anywhere from $10-$30,000 if I donated my ova, so I pulled the mother of all U-turns right then and there and made my way to the address they gave. You can imagine my disappointment at learning that I don't have ova to donate. That really would have solved my problem.
A friend of mine has started donated plasma (side note: a local agency here keeps running this commercial about this woman who claims to have changed her life and the only evidence in support of this claim is her decision to start donating plasma. I laugh my ass off every time I see it, and then I cry myself to sleep that night because I always choose the hard ways to change my life, like trying to keep myself honest and work hard and things like that. I really should learn that I can fix everything by offering up my arm as a pin cushion now and again...), and I guess he pulls in about $40 every time he donates. But it takes a long time, and I think my plasma might have problems with it. Whoever received it would find themself horny all the time.
Then I started thinking that if ever something I could donate (for money...) could improve the world, my DNA could. Lots of little Hose Monsters running around would put a smile on faces all over the tri-county Cornfield area. I bet my little jimmies would even make their way in to the hall of fame and eventually get retired from over-selection. Aside from my relatively short stature and myopic vision, I think all desirous parents would seek a pedigree like mine: smartest person in the world, mental agility, writing skill, a self-effacing sense of humor, some athletic ability, blue eyes, a skinny body and a big penis. I could be the perfect frozen pops for female basketball players with razor-sharp vision. I could appoint my progeny to take over the world when I pass. And besides, if I need to donate to earn money (the irony of that just KILLS me), I think I would much prefer to watch porn and touch myself than let someone come at me with a giant needle and tell me to sit still, but hey, that could just be me. Sadly enough, however, I cannot seem to find a sperm bank in this area, so that idea fails too.
I toyed with the idea of finding a menial "job," but I understand that these "job" things require "time" to "work," and it seems that "time" escapes me faster than I can complain about not having any "time" to do anything except "write" with everything in quotation "marks."
I did manage to score a few hours of translation work this week at a nice little hourly rate, but I think the payment from that will take a while to arrive and the money earned from that will hardly make a dent in my debts.
So ultimately I turned to the Bank and Mom and Dad yesterday, and they agreed to provide me with some liquid assets to handle things. I received a very low APR and no repayment date, and ultimately, I wonder if when I try to pay back my 'rents they will accept it (and yes, I do have the greatest parents in the whole world). So it seems everything will work out.
The problem is, I really don't like having to ask my parents for money, and I have had to do so a number of times this academic year, this after having previously asked them for money only once in the five years since I moved out of their house, which I repaid a week later. I don't worry that I put financial strain on my 'rents or anything like that; mostly I just feel like I want to accomplish everything of my own accord and by failing to budget properly or suddenly needing new things like "shoes" or "underwear" or "gold plated toothbrushes from the Sharper Image" that I fail in my efforts to stay independent of my 'rents and consequently make them proud of the little boy they did such an amazing job of raising.
Compounding that is the fact that I will need a new car very soon. I love the Hose Monstermobile like nobody's business; from the day I turned 16 I have captained no other car nor called any other car my own. When I finished college I bought the car from my 'rents, and as ghetto and old and cranky as he can be, I love him to tears. But Hose Monstermobile has grown a little long in the teeth, and I fear he may not make it successfully through another Cornfield winter. I absolutely cannot afford a new car right now, but I don't really think I can get by without a car or with my current love for another year, so I have already resigned myself to the fact that my parents will return to providing me with a vehicle in the new future. It took me a long time to get over the fact that I couldn't afford a car, and for a while I convinced myself that I didn't need one rather than just suck it up and let the Bank of Mom and Dad take care of me. But I have resigned myself to this fact and learned to just feel grateful that I have such wonderful people as family.
Anyway, money. I should have some again when the mail arrives on Wednesday. Hooray. Thanks to the 'rents, I will get through the rest of the year without a problem. But I can always use some more, so if you know any 6'5" women with laser-sharp eyesight looking for a child but no father, give me a call.