5.08.2003

 
So I censored myself in this space for the first time last night, and it kind of stings.

Not many, but a number of people do read this site who I might not want to read certain stories or see certain thoughts of know of certain concerns. But in a sense, putting up here whatever I think can force me to confront those types of honesties with these people, and while I might have to suffer through a little shame or embarrassment, I generally just throw up here whatever I want to say and deal with the repercussions of it as best I can. Using this blog as a platform of scripted communication just does not strike me as the type of thing I really want to do.

Same with just stating my opinions, or saying certain volatile things or ruffling a few feathers; I really don't have any problems doing any of that. I figure by this point that I never write up here with malice, and some things painful are not necessarily out here to cause that pain but suffer from that unfortunate by-product. Censoring myself in those two regards breaks with the greatest part of blogging, the fact that I don't have to go through an editor to make available to you all my thoughts. You can see exactly what I want you to see, and not what I get forced into sharing or saving at the discretion of someone else. Having all that personal discretion leads almost in all cases to never exercising it, but letting the words as they come speak what they wanted to mean when I wrote them.

I still want to write under those ideals, and I hope I still will. But I wrote something last night that I really liked, posted it up here for about ten seconds and then took it down. I think the subject matter just a little too volatile and the potential fallout from it too risky and encompassing to want to mess with it at this stage in the game, when I really don't need any additional concerns other than those naturally growing out of finals and all other things generally attendant to my life.

I feel disappointed in myself, notwithstanding the fact that I think I made a smart choice. I think had I managed to publish my writing from last night, it would have struck many of you as particularly prescient at this juncture for many of us. But I just had to keep something from all you, my little Hose Monsters, and for that I am sorry. Perhaps at some point I'll share it with you in the future.

In the meantime, let me try and bandage the wound with a special Vicky's offering.



Always taking the cheap way out...