6.18.2003

 

Because both the delightful Kristin of Mad Pony and the author of AdRants have flowed me substantial traffic today because of a few things I have posted, I feel like I need to share a short, humorous story address Victoria's Secret and advertising/marketing.

I bring to gentlemenly HM readers who have proclivities of Victoria's Secret enjoyment this helpful tip. If you wish to order something for your sweetie off the Internet or the catalogue, make absolutely sure that you use either your home address if you do not live with your girl or some suitable alternative address if you do live with her.

Under no circumstanaces do you have Vicky's delivered to you at your office.

Do not fret over the character of the package that will arrive at your address; Vicky's ships in non-descript white bags that only have something like "VSP" stamped innocently in the return address area. If you want to order something a little lacy and racy, preferably in red or black, worry not that other people with an eye to your mail (unless they also have the Vicky's knowledge that I share with you today) will start imagining the things you do with the shades drawn; your shipment remains discrete.

It's the barrage of marketing catalogs for which you must watch out.

Once you give Vicky's an address, god love 'em, they let you know they appreciate your interest by wanting you to buy more and more. Suddenly you have the inside track to everything in that London warehouse (actually, according to the Vicky's shipment labels the warehouse nestles somewhere in Columbus, Ohio) - all the Miracle Bras, demi bras, camisoles and tank-tops that have something like "naughty but nice" written on them. Yes, you will receive for those first couple of weeks around two to three different catalogs a week, on average. The ones with bright pink covers advertising the Big Bra Sale or the semi-annual sale are worthy of particular fear.

(Of course, if you are a 16 year-old adolescent male, or you live alone and have no girlfriend, you might have started to think that getting yourself on the Vicky's radar screen will lead to some free, always updated, masturbatory fodder. And if this thought has entered your head, then my child, you are correct.)

All in all, the constant receipt of Victoria's Secret catalogs seems like an okay thing. But if these particular items keep arriving in your very public mailbox at work, and you have an unmistakeably male name like Rico or Gerardo, chances are your co-workers will begin to raise their eyebrows at you. (Chances are your male co-workers will also think that you have stumbled upon quite a gold mine and silently berate themselves for not having the cajones to get Vicky's to start sending them stuff where their wives/girlfriends don't know what you receive.) You may want to avoid such consequences because hey, you never know how far the law will extend sexual harrassment, and it seems that the line keeps getting drawn farther and farther away.

Yup, just a helpful tip for all of you horny people. Your friendly neighborhood Hose Monster, taking care of the masses with good sense and good pictures.