10.21.2003

 

I used to have a blog.

I used to have a blog, that though it never brought delight to the masses of people looking for something different to read the way a great number of people I have never met have managed, meant something special.

I used to have a blog where I could occasionally opine on politics, or social trends, Newsweek stories or sports, where others would occasionally shower me with praise for writing well, praise I do not think I completely deserved but nonetheless enjoyed.

I used to have a blog where I could direct the amazing sexual angst that I never experienced very much in my teenage years and now experience even in the midst of the best relationship I fully intend to ever have, where I could shamelessly post pictures from Victoria's Secret and attract a few extra readers looking for nothing more than lace-clad boobies.

I used to have a blog that let me out of my own world at least once daily, where I could talk about whatever the hell crossed my mind and not worried about how it applied to torts or contracts or whether the organization I felt like criticizing had chosen a partnership or corporate form of governance.

I used to have a blog. And I seriously question whether I still have it.

Over the last five months or so I have given serious thought to discontinuing Hose Monster. The quality of effort, if not quality of the page itself, that once lived here has gone another way, and I have struggled with the knowledge that what I put up here now does not rival, in my opinion, what I used to put up here.

I could recite a litany of very good reasons, which would detail the excruciating lack of free time experienced over the summer months, the pressures of law school that hardly stem from the actual going to class any more and trying to do it all while working another job where I constantly feel that because I don't put in many hours, I don't do a good job. I would examine the pressure I feel in trying to find a job that I would not start for another seven months, the ridiculousness of working on a project that really makes very little difference for me in the long run, the increased video game playing that the yanks of my sanity have necessitated.

I could talk about the most important thing I think have done in the last six months or so in my efforts to try and figure out some parenting basics and putting real thought into what each day now means for the next fifty years of my life.

Ultimately, I would tell you that I have done a lot of things never before experienced by me, and HM has suffered as a consequence.

And I just did. Sorry about that.

Always something, I think. I made it through the On-Campus Interviewing season with only one severe blow to my ego. Then I made it through trying to deal with a moot court brief. I turned that in and finally started to feel like my head has come above water. And then I saw how dirty my car had gotten, how big and 80s mall-like my hair had become, how I still haven't landed a job yet and cannot afford to rest on two half-successes, and it escapes.

Sometimes it comes back, like today, where I think my most pressing concerns amount to getting a haircut, washing my car, putting together one letter to an employer and playing softball tonight. In those moments, I feel a resurrection of Hose Monster coming, that the time and energy I had for this little bit of me would soon return. It lasts for a day, or a week in good times, and then something else comes, and my HM disappears again.

And when it disappears again, then I begin to think of giving it up for good.

But I don't think I have reached that threshold yet, though I have certainly reached the point of whining about how I never blog anymore, and that might actual constitute a poorer move than anything else.

I want to do more. And I feel like the inactivity has left me with lots of unwritten posts.

Anyway, I used to have a blog. I guess we'll see if that changes.