12.10.2003

 

The year slowly winds its way to a conclusion once more, signaling that we must all quantify our material desires for the sake of those who either feel obligated to purchase us gifts or who genuinely enjoy giving things to others.

So for those looking to add the Hose Monster to your holiday shopping list, whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah (or Chanukah, or Hanukah...), Kwanzaa, Chinese New Year or whatever, I once again provide you with a helpful list of things I would love to receive.

• A Stanley Cup championship for the Los Angeles Kings. I asked for this one last year too and no one came through for me. They didn't even make the playoffs last season, succumbing to an impossible rash of injuries to key players that continues on into this season. Perhaps I should just ask the fates for a healthy hockey team and let things on the ice (with the full squad in uniform) shake out on their own.
  
  
• A PlayStation 2. The funny thing about living a life where it seems you cannot really afford to sit around wasting time is that you REALLY enjoy wasting time. I have rediscovered my Nintendo 64 this fall, and while I enjoy playing it, I must confess that in my old age the draw of better graphics and the fact that all the cool video games go to that systems makes me think about it. But in perfect honesty, you would probably better help me out by not purchasing this one for me, even if you do have an extra $200 lying about.
  
  
• Kickbacks from Victoria's Secret. With the amount of free pub they get on this site and the fact that my female readers feel constantly inclined to buy more and more sexy underwear, I have no doubt that Vicky's rise to a holding virtual monopoly on the underwear leanings of college girls hoping to look good with their pants off has a direct relation to the rise of HM Blog. At the very least they could send me a monthly check representing an infinitesimal percentage of their profits.
  
  
• Candy canes for all the child factory workers in Malaysia. I hear that you should ask for something for others around this time of year. A little peppermint scent on LeBron's Nikes won't hurt anyone.
  
  
• An extra four inches. In height. Get your mind out of the hopper.
  
  
• The ability to post in Spanish without Blogger turning all my letters with accent marks over them into ?s. I feel my creativity substantially restricted by the option of writing in another language only in reprehensible grammar. I speak fairly respectable Spanish - I want to at least have the option of pretending so when I write in it.
  
  
• Better clothes. Apparent my $5 sweatshirts from Target don't hack it any more.
  
  
• An appearance on "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." Sure I could use some help becoming more gay, but really, I would just like to get the sweet interior decorating, the free furniture, wine and clothes. I could definitely allow myself a little ridicule on national television for a virtual blank check trip to Crate & Barrel.
  
  
• Bob Barker's autograph.
  
  
• All the original Masters of the Universe cartoons on DVD, complete with special features, deleted scenes, audio commentary from Prince Adam, Teela, the Sorceress and Beast Man. If the makers really got their shit together on that product, they would also include the He-Man Drinking Game I made up in college that guaranteed you a buzz inside of the first five minutes of any episode.
  
  
• An all expenses paid shoe shopping spree in Norman, Oklahoma. I hear they have good shoes down there.
  
  
• Some clean underwear. Can never have too much of that.

That ought to give you all plenty of ideas. Now get to work.