Hi turkey sandwich I'm about to eat for my Thanksgiving dinner.

Hi Hose Monster trying to get sympathy because you're all alone on Thanksgiving and it's almost 5 in the afternoon and you're still wearing your pajamas and glasses and haven't shaved since Tuesday.

Right on most counts.

Where am I wrong?

The sympathy move.

You're not trying to garner sympathy by writing repeatedly on Thanksgiving?

Easy Butterball, I'm not that desperate. It was my choice in part to stay by myself today. And since everything is closed, writing and talking to inanimate sandwiches I'm about to eat are among the few things left for me to do when I'm tired of reading legal stuff.

Why would you choose to stay alone?

Home is a long way away, and since I have so much to do in the next couple of weeks, taking a few days to fly a couple thousand miles just didn't seem the most prudent thing ever. You can't fly, so you know what a pain traveling on airplanes can be.

Of course I cannot fly. I'm lunch meat. I'm practically two-dimensional.

Before you got your head chopped off, I mean.

Oh yeah. I couldn't fly then either. I couldn't do a lot of things except be ugly.

Aw come on, it's not that bad.

No seriously, turkeys are ugly animals, but I redefined a whole new genre of ugly. I actually like Thanksgiving because I think a nice stuffed and glazed turkey looks a hell of a lot prettier than the ugly live version of turkey running around out there.

I suppose...

Picture it surrounded with veggies, stuffing, cranberry sauce, a few candles and some family ... and now don't tell me you think a live turkey is a prettier picture than that.

You got me.

In fact, I feel bad for you. All you get is me. None of the fun side dishes.

I wouldn't go that far. I get plenty of fun other things. Wheat bread, mustard, low-fat mayonnaise, and what's left of an amazing apple pie. Don't feel bad for me. In fact, as far as I am concerned, you've got the Thanksgiving sympathy market cornered.

I suppose. Everyone does want to eat me today. Even you, and I'm just lunch meat.

And yet you still like Thanksgiving?

Yeah. I would have nothing else to do if I weren't sitting around waiting to get eaten. And since it rains so much in November sometimes, even if people weren't eating me, I'd likely end up dead anyway. One of these days I'll figure out why we look up when it rains to figure out what's hitting us in the head and end up suffocating ourselves.

Turkeys can be pretty dumb that way.

At least we taste good.


In fact, I'm getting tired of sitting here talking to you. Nothing wrong with you. It's just that this whole day is more or less about me getting eaten, and you're not doing any eating.

Sorry, I'll get to work.


Sorry about the teeth. I don't feel comfortable swallowing you whole.

It's fine. Occupational hazard.

Happy Thanksgiving turkey sandwich.

Happy Thanksgiving Hose Monster.