1.27.2004

 

The pending Super Bowl has me all upset at the NFL.

Thing is, I actually find myself looking forward to the Patriots-Panthers match-up and have made plans around distinctly watching this year's game. This enthusiasm poses something of a hypocrisy problem for me.

You see, every fall as I watch NFL games here and there, I feel myself becoming disillusioned with the professional game. In all respects I will agree that the quality of the game at the professional level definitely exceeds that of the college level, and I love the fact that the half of the NFL's biggest stars even registered on most people's sports knowledge before they suddenly became the toast of what increasingly has become America's National Pastime (seriously, had any of you heard of Donovan McNabb before he suddenly became this amazing scrambling quarterback? Did most of you know that Tom Brady went to Michigan and quarterbacked the team before the much-maligned Drew Henson?)

I much prefer college fans to NFL fans in terms of class and loyalty, and while I enjoy the competitiveness of the college game, I must admit that NFL parity and great talent certainly trumps watching Florida State undeservedly reach yet another BCS game. From a pure spectator standpoint, the NFL wins.

But the problem lies in the fact that we don't just watch the game. We have to deal with all that extra-curricular shit that goes on, and the NFL players have gotten so excited about themselves that it has become so completely annoying that it has alienated me.

It's the celebrating, the showboating, the pulling the Sharpies out of a sock and signing the football moves (though I have do have to give Terrell Owens points for originality, whereas Joe Horn failed miserably on that one). I absolutely loathe the defensive players who have to perform a celebration dance every time they make a tackle. They have as their single general responsibility the task of bringing the offensive ball carrier to the turf. Yet you don't see the UPS man pelvic thrusting away from your mailbox every time he delivers a package. He just goes out and does his goddamn job.

And seriously, every defensive player who has to showboat on a tackle when their team trails by 20 points and the tackle occurred after a 31-yard gain gets an immediate spot on my "Biggest Idiots" list. I would like to know exactly what they feel they have to celebrate. They look like idiotic, self-promoting egotistic morons without any concept of the idea of "team."

Guys like Marshall Faulk don't come along too often, the guys who put up big numbers and make big plays as though they have done it before. I love watching Faulk score a touchdown, set the ball down, accept congratulations from his teammates and hustle back to the side lines. You'll only see Faulk do a little extra celebration when he scores late in the 4th quarter of a big game, when the emotional moment makes a little display of excitement more than understandable. But guys like Faulk and Eddie George are few and far between, so, at least as I can see it, the NFL consists by and large of showboating assholes.

All of which makes this year's Super Bowl so troubling. The Patriots have the concept of team down. They make me seriously believe that they believe in it. Bill Belicheck has shown he knows exactly what it takes to win, and he barely pushes his team past that point, but nonetheless, he team reaches that point. Tom Brady doesn't flash but he does find consistency, and the New England defense works to make tackles for short yardage and force punts, not to bring big sacks that make one defensive lineman look good.

Same with the Carolina Panthers. Anyone remember their 1-15 record a few years ago? Chris Friggin' Weinke took snaps under center for them. And in two years, they have gone from "we still look like an expansion team ten years after the fact" to NFC Champions. Seriously, it's right up there with the idea of the Montreal Expos or the Los Angeles Clippers making it to the World Series or NBA Finals next year. How could you really maliciously root against them?

So in the league's defining game of the year, the sports entertainment I want to leave behind has me all excited for the simple fact that what the NFL will provide to me will not in any way match the actual truth, in terms of image, of the real thing.

But hey, we are talking about the Super Bowl. I have no doubt that the hype of it all will bring these NFL imposters back to the image of the rest of the players.

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1.26.2004

 

As far as I can tell, three general types of spam exist. They have become so common place that what used to annoy me greatly has become less of a hassle, as I just summarily delete 98% of the email I receive without more than a quick glance at the subject list to make sure that I have not received anything of actual importance.

Surely you have some familiarity with these three genres of span. Category One consists of efforts targeted to your frail psyche, those that promise you increased penis size naturally with no embarrassing side effects. Completely confidential and guaranteed to work. An important sub-category here is free porn, since you need to do something to periodically confirm that your free and confidential penile enhancement (or herbal breast enhancement, for the ladies) has begun to work.

A second category (and my personal favorite) collects all those VERY poorly made efforts to try and scam you out of money. Emailers have offered me chances to invest in no fewer than 15 different up and coming African nations, 21 potential business partnerships with guaranteed futures (but strangely in need of but a little additional capital...) in Jakarta, Tunis and Algiers. I have also had chances to fund the cure for Alzheimers, inoperable tumors and arthritis. And I almost jumped at the opportunity to make the dying wish of a 10 year-old quadrapalegic of going to see the wreck of the Titanic a reality.

The third general category of spam deals with actual crap you can buy and use, like loans, furniture, household goods, etc. You know the boring category that probably gets as many people as unconfident men buying from Category One.

But a recent email I received has made me want to create a whole new category just for this one. Perhaps you will understand after reading it:

Dear OnlineCitibank Client,

This e-mail was sentt by the Citi-bank serevr to veerify your email
adress. You must cepmtloe this prsecos by clicking on the link
below and enttering in the litle window your Citi-bank Debit
full Card number and pin that you use on local ATM.
That is done for your poetcrtion -t- becourse some of our members no
logner have acsces to their email adredsess and we must verify it.

To veerify your e-mail address and access your Citicards account, klick on
the link bellow. If nothing happnes when you clik on the link -B copye
and passte the link into the adderss bar of your web broswer.

http://www.citibank.com/?mN60xVeiVmfaJRMmu2ZNYOW5MlMVDcR00Z1xUfQOC70m0NJuPJ

---------------------------------------------
Thank you for using Citicards!
---------------------------------------------

This autotmaic email snet to: goosefood@yahoo.com
Do not rpely to this email.

Clearly this sucker would normally beg to join Category Two, but I cannot in good conscience group such an item with efforts to bring democracy to the people of the Sahara. At least those scammers generally take some effort to make their scams appear legitimate. Like spelling.

Seriously, could anyone with half of a brain read the email and think it might have even the smallest inkling of legitimacy to it? Would anyone really think to verify (excuse me, veerify) their account after reading this? And that assumes the fact that I even have a Citibank debit card, which I do not.

So I guess this signals the creation of Category Four of spam emails, made for those emails that are so ridiculous as to make you laugh out loud and share them with the Internet community. Good times.

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1.25.2004

 

What to do when you feel so tired, yet cannot fall asleep?

Get up and blog, of course.

Of course, such a move would go better if I could actually sit down right now and write something thoughtful, brilliant, something that would make up for my relative withdrawal from blogging in the last eight months or so. Something that I could pump out, look at once, find a picture to go with it and then crawl back into bed, satisfied at the day's effort.

I suppose all moments we sit down to blog cannot have the blessing of eloquence fall upon them. Some people make an entire style of writing out of simply sitting down and busting it out. I marvel all the time how Kool Keith manages to sit down every day, generally with an apparent lack of forethought about the day's post, and just start jamming. Sometimes he comes up with some real gems in those moments.

Most of my posts have some thought put into them before they ever get developed. Either that or I have posts thrust upon me by the anecdotes that happen in my life, like cannibalistic fish pets and the like.

I loathe Paris Hilton. I find her not the least bit attractive, and she is as fake a celebrity as they come. Not that I care much for her sister either, but at least Niki has the good sense to keep her damn mouth shut and just enjoy knowing she is worth over $100M and hasn't done a damn thing her whole life. All of us want that kind of good fortune; she has the good sense to keep it slightly under control.

Sorry. I guess Paris Hilton got a guest spot on some TV show this week. Network executives shouldn't give fake celebrities TV spots.

I cut my finger tonight somehow, though I don't recall how, when or where. No blood either, strangely. Yet I have a slightly deep cut on the outer left part of the index finder on my right hand. Odd.

I continue to go nowhere with this one. I think I shall crawl back into bed and give sleep another go. Another big week starts tomorrow morning. Or I guess it's today morning now.

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