honorary Hose Monster:
One of the my favorite episodes of Friends is the one where Ross and Rachel create their Celebrity Sex Lists...you know, the list of five celebs they're "legally" allowed to sleep with, even though they're dating each other. That's because, even in real life, I fully support this concept. If I'm ever in a relationship again (riiiiiight), there are just certain people that I will just have to be allowed to have sex with.
The Blondemaster's Celebrity Sex List
1. Noah Wyle, especially if he's as smart as his ER character. I mean, can you get more lovable than him? He is the perfect combination of dorkiness and confidence (two musts in my book). Plus, I bet he's real sweet.
2. Ben Affleck, by far the hottest man alive today. Since I might not like his personality, we wouldn't have to talk. But I'd at least want to stare at him up close for a few hours. Shiver!
3. Adam Sandler. Not only do I have thing for cute Jewish guys, I think it's sexy to laugh when you're hooking up. I mean, it can be funny! (Since I don't want to take up an extra spot on this list, I reserve the right to switch Adam for Ben Stiller if the occasion arises).
4. Eminem. Although I would probably way to terrified of him to actually do it, I am way attracted to this baby-faced tough guy. This is even though he makes fun of my beloved Britney.
5. Any member of *N Sync. Is this fair? Maybe not, but oh well. And don't laugh. Yes, most of them are younger than me, but they are just so darn cute when they do their little Bye Bye Bye dance. I can't help it, I'm obsessed! If I go into more detail here people will surely stop reading me, so I will force myself to quit.
Sooooo, anyone know I can get in touch with these guys?
It would be so so so much fun to be Britney Spears.
I know a lot of you probably don't like her, but she probably doesn't like you either. After all, she's tough. She gave the finger to those reporters in Mexico, which doesn't exactly jive with her Mickey Mouse Club roots. But then again, as her song says, she's "Not That Innocent." True enough. Unless innocence involves leather bustiers, navel rings and gyrating pelvises....But I digress.
Ok, so I'm 24-years-old, but yes, I went to a Britney Spears show with KC a few months ago (gotta love her...my partner in teenage pop obsession!). And it was fantastic! Not necessarily the singing (or should I say lip synching), but the dancing, the energy, the costume changes, the lights, the screaming fans...what a BALL she must be having. Good for her. She's living out what was probably many of our childhood fantasies...becoming a singer, performing in front of millions of screaming fans, having boys fall head over heels in love for her. Plus she's earning (deservedly, if people are willing to pay $60+ to see a concert and $20 for a Britney baby tee) MAD cash. So if you dont' like her, you're probably just jealous. Maybe she doesn't have the talent you say she should have to be getting what she's getting, but she does have whatever it takes to make it, whether it be looks (and whether certain appendages are real) or some good song writers who know what an important segment of the music market wants.
But I'm digressing again. I think a lot of people don't like Britney because they don't think she's as wholesome as she pretends...well, last I checked, I don't think she's pretending all that much any more. There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of wholesomeness around her. But who cares? People grow up! People change! Her first CD came out in like 1998 or something. She's got a fantastic body, so why not show it off and wear fun little outfits that people design for you. And good for her if she had sex with Justin. I would, he's a hottie.
Say what you want about Britney, but at least she's doing what she loves, and making people (ok, me and some preteen boys and girls) smile. Are you doing what you love? I'm not, unless writing about benefits is my yet-to-be-discovered passion (doubtful).
The Blondemaster is here!! For those of you who may have wondered what in the world Chris was talking about when he said so ominously, "The Blondemaster is coming...," well, that's me. And I'm not so ominous. In fact, I'm just a friend of Chris's (aka, the Hosemonster) who loves teen pop, pedicures, gerber daisies and the color pink. And I'll also be taking the reigns while the Hosemonster is away at library boot camp. We wish him the best of luck.
Anyways, today I have a very important topic to discuss: dating. As I am quickly becoming somewhat of a professional dater, I have lots to say. Not much of it good. Because by and large, the guys that I go on dates with suck. I seem to have a sign on my head that says, "Are you immature, lacking intelligence and not yet out of the closet? Do you wear too-tight jean shorts? If you've said yes to these questions and can also bless me with a couple of hours of it's-like-pulling-teeth conversation, call me! I'm yours!"
Seriously guys, take my advice. Here you have it,
Blondemaster's Tips to NOT Win a Girl's Heart:
1. Wear Jewelry-- specifically chain link silver bracelets. Yes, this does need to be qualified-- not all jewelry has to be bad. A tasteful chain (yes, I've seen it pulled off) or even one of those I'm-trying-too-hard silver thumb rings can be overlooked, but any bracelet that wasn't made by your little sitser out of embroidery floss would look better on me than you. Especially if it's from Tiffany. By the way, this tragedy has never actually happened to me. But let's just say it left KC tossing and turning with nightmares for at least 5 days.
2. Avoid the breadbasket. OK-- this is maybe (ok, probably) just a me thing, but a guy who doesn't eat is boring. And a guy who eats less than me is unnattractive. And worse yet, if it's one of those days when I'm not on a diet, and you are, you can bet you won't be seeing me naked.
3. Forget your manners. I don't care if I'm an empowered woman. You should not under any circumstances drive away while I'm walking to my front door at the end of a date. This one bugs me a lot. Who cares if it's not chivalrous, it's not safe for crying out loud! Especially for people like me, whose motion lights don't seem to detect motion. Plus, walk me to the door and you might get a kiss.
4. Hog the conversation. So here's a typical date of mine:
Me: So what do you do for a living?'
You: I'm in sales, blah blah blah blah blah.
Me: So do you like it?
You: I love it. I rock at it, blah blah blah blah
Me: So where did you grow up?
And so on.
Here would be the more ideal date. Take the hint.
Me: So what do you do for a living?
You: I'm in sales, which I like, blah blah blah. What about you?
Me: I'm in consulting, blah blah blah.
You: Do you like it?
Me: Wait, did you just ask me two questions about myself in a row? Let's go back to my place!
So those were just the basics boys. For a full copy of my report titled "How Not to Be Such a Tool" send me some cash. I wonder if the Hosemonster learned anything? Nah, he's perfect already (please read with loving sarcasm).
PS-- I'm only half as bitchy as I may seem.
The ring of the telephone woke me up rather early this morning. Grumbling, I rolled over and picked it up.
It was my new boss.
Many of you know that in just a short amount of time, I begin my new state of employment as the night watchman at a library. As you can imagine, this is a physically demanding and labor-intensive type of vocation that requires me to be in total focus while I am working. I admit that I am a little nervous about the job, because if my concentration falters for even a moment, something terrible could happen.
Apparently however, this is a common concern among new recruits. As a consequence of this preoccupation, a system of libraries has secretly gained control of a small island in an unknown location and has turned it into a top-secret training ground where recruits go for a week and learn many of the techniques that will help them become top night watchmen.
My new boss called me this morning to tell me to pack a bag and someone would be by to pick me up early this afternoon. He hung up without giving me any more details except to tell no one where I was going or for what reason I was suddenly leaving. I've already broken one of these commandments, but night watchmen, and especially trainers of night watchmen, are generally so busy that I doubt any will have time to check this blog to see my transgression anyway.
So frantically this morning I have been packing a bag and wondering what I will need for my intensive training. As a final step, I placed a call to my sidekick Blondemaster K and told her that in my absence, she would have to take over the blogging duties. I know how important my daily thoughts are to the overall balance of the universe, and I would never purposefully leave the safety of a global population in jeopardy. So I called to make arrangements. And like the true hero she is, Blondemaster K agreed to step up and save the world.
I leave it in her hands. I know not what will happen to me, but I do know one thing that will happen here in the next week. Britney Spears will be metioned in this space at least once. I'll stake my reputation on that.
Cheers, see you in a week.
-The Hose Monster