On the way to the grocery store today, I saw a line of people on the corner holding signs in the stinging cold demonstrating their displeasure at the current Administration's tumbling toward war. I have a lot of respect for these people, and I think it's important that those who are so at odds with war in Iraq make their voices known. It's been happening all over the country today.

I've made it known in this space that I don't think a war with Iraq is a good idea at this point, and I've said I think a gerat number of the population is with me on that.

I've been watching the news lately and following the situation with the weapons inspectors. And I think it might be time to very reluctantly reverse my position.

The latest news that Iraq has started their slide toward non-cooperation yet again has forced me to start to think that it's time to use force in the Gulf. If any of you are silly enough to think that Iraq is doing anything other than trying to lull the dragon into complacency, such as it has successfully done throughout the last 12 years since the Gulf War, then I truly envy you. You have a much greater faith in the possibility that Saddam Hussein really isn't crazy and does not believe that he can ultimately prevail if he can continue to string the cheese in front of the Western nations.

The Iraqi people have starved for the last decade or more. Many fault the US-led sanctions for this starving. This is naïve; the Western nations cannot be greatly faulted for starving a people under the tyrannical rule of a despot whose government chokes the life out of his people to feed his own opulence. I feel for the people of Iraq, but I'm not one of those people who normally feels like a oppressed people need the military assistance of the United States. I may sound very cold-hearted, but the majority of the time I think the people need to fight their own fights. Even when they are imprisoned at the first sign of resistance, determined groups usually find a way to overcome. So you won't find liberation behind my change of opinion.

Ultimately, I think it's time for W, Rumsfeld and their legions to put up or shut up. The Western nations have allowed Hussein to dance for too long. They've worried too much about losing political capital and Saddam has thusly been able to wait out each successive president's and prime minister's posturing on how he will not be free to violate the restrictions placed on him any longer. I reluctantly supported the idea of new weapons inspections late last year knowing full well that Saddam's compliance would only last so long, and I took this position because I felt Bush could not justifiably go into Iraq with guns blazing before going through the motions to prove one more time that Saddam is playing a game that he has no business playing. The time has come for this to happen: Saddam is slowing trying to diminish his compliance with the hopes that none of the nations lecturing him will have the political balls to carry through with their threats.

For everything negative I've said about Bush, I truly believe that he means what he says and that he'll do what he says he'll do. He's far too simple and sees things too much in black and white to do it any other way. And at this point, in this situation, it's time to make Hussein believe that the threats have some substance. If it doesn't happen know, it never will. No other administration will have the guts to go out and do what they have to, political capital be damned. And this will happen. Neither Bush nor Rumsfeld have any qualms with inciting a large group of the population in order to pursue their objectives.

I very reluctantly take this position. I'm not a pacifist, but I do feel that war is only an option when no others exist. I feel that this time has come. For the rest of you who disagree and even stand outside in the frigid cold to show your disagreement: you have my utmost respect and understanding. I cannot disagree with you on most levels, but on the most important level, I simply cannot find a reason any more to agree with you.

(0) comments



Does anyone know the name of this hottie (if you like that sort of thing) who models for Victoria's Secret? Two of my readers want to know. I wouldn't mind knowing either.

(0) comments
Around the Internet with the Hose Monster

For some reason, I'm all over the Internet today. Let's take a look and see what's going on out there.

  • The mysterious 3rd Leg has returned from his hiatus in a big way and explained to my satisfaction why I never get included in any of his rhymes: Hose Monster just ain't the greatest thing for rhyming, he says. Fair enough. He more than makes up for just because he links my name four times in two paragraphs. That's special. He also gives me a little shit for my theory that I wouldn't be able to close the deal with Heidi Klum. Perhaps. Just in the spirit of love, I propose that if the 3rd Leg got a chance to shack up with Heidi Klum, the shacking will not last more than a minute. I know it wouldn't with me. But then again, it never lasts more than a minute with me, so I think I'm making a safe assumption.

  • Evan Ames puts together his own 3rd Leg-like flow today, and the Hose Monster makes a guest appearance. Word.

  • Madness Maker was the first blog to jump on the list of things about yourself thing I did yesterday.

  • One of the people in the Newsweek article I ripped to holy shreds emailed Ryan at The Ward. He forgot to mention my criticism, but he remembered that I wrote it and that my critique was respectable, so hey, super with me.

  • Okay, so Dan the Goose didn't mention me today. Punk ass. But I definitely dug his post today. Good work. He's an honorary Hose Monster for the week.

Yup, my definition of "around the Internet" is really five sites. Oh well. Suck it.

(0) comments


Gotta love The Onion for illustrating the situaiton brilliantly. I sort of hinted about this sort of thing the other day in addressing Zak's question, but here the satire mag outdoes me again.

(0) comments
I get these things emailed to me all the time, and while I almost never fill them out, I thought it would be a fun thing to post on HM. Maybe I'll start a new fad among bloggers, like the 100 things bit. Copy and paste one onto your blog and drop me a message that you did it. I'll link yer ass.

Time for a fun game: Let's Learn More About the Hose Monster

  1. What time is it now: 18:35 CST
  2. Name as it appears on your birth certificate: Christopher Gary Ward
  3. Nickname(s): Hose Monster, Rodrigo the Fabulous, Rubio, Wart, Sex God
  4. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake: Two. But they were in the shape of a 2 and a 3
  5. Date that you regularly blow them out: June 11
  6. Best gift you received on your last birthday: Booty
  7. Pets (if any): I think I've had a cartoon of eggs in my refrigerator since early September, and even if it's not chicks, I'm guessing something is growing in there
  8. Eye color: Usually dark blue, but every now and again I have a green eyes day
  9. Hair color: A lighter shade of brown
  10. Pierced ears: Not any more, though I did pierce my left ear once
  11. Tattoos: Nope. See explanation.
  12. How much do you love your job: Probably a 7. I really enjoy the material I'm learning, though I have to tell you, the fact that I have to hate my life for three weeks during finals twice a year and worry about finding a future keeps this number from being higher
  13. Favorite color: green, because I'm always horny
  14. Hometown: Valencia, California
  15. Current Residence: The Corn Field, Illinois
  16. Favorite food: I'd have to go with Baja Fresh at the moment
  17. Been to Africa: Nope, but I will go scuba diving in the Red Sea before I die and I'd like to see Victoria Falls some day
  18. Been toilet papering: Have I? Damn, probably my favorite thing to do between the ages of 12 and 14
  19. Loved somebody so much it made you cry: I think I've only cried twice in the last five years, and both times it was at a grandparent's memorial service. And yes, I'm avoiding the question.
  20. Been in a car accident: I have, but I've never been at fault. Some lady rear-ended me because she was flying around a corner and couldn't stop in time. My mom likes to call me a hero because I had stopped in the road because a school bus had stopped, turned on its red lights and the kids were crossing the street in front of me. My mother, along with all the soccer moms there to pick up their kids, swears that the lady would have gone bowling with the kids had I not been there.
  21. Favorite piece of furniture: My sex swing
  22. Sprite or 7-UP: Sprite, preferably with a shot or two of Pims in it
  23. Favorite Movie: Leaving Las Vegas
  24. Favorite Holiday: Arbor Day
  25. Favorite day of the week: Saturdays during the fall (I lurv college football), Fridays the rest of the year
  26. Favorite word or phrase: Narf
  27. Favorite Toothpaste: Whatever is on sale and has super whitening power
  28. Favorite Restaurant: I already used Baja Fresh, so let's check the other end of the spectrum: Ruth's Chris
  29. Favorite drink: Absolut & Tonic, whatever wine you have that's not ghetto-ass and tastes like cough medicine
  30. Favorite sport to watch: Hockey and Finland's Thickest Necks on ESPN2 at midnight on the weekends
  31. Favorite type of ice-cream: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
  32. Favorite Sesame Street character: Those two purplish-pinkish trolls that just scream and throw everything around
  33. Disney or Warner Bros: Warner Bros. However, for as much as I hate Disney and their "let's take everything over" philosophy, I have to say Monsters, Inc. was one of the better movies I've seen
  34. Favorite Fast Food Restaurant: I'd have to put Baja here again. But since I've already used that one, I'll say Steak n Shake, but only because they keep their restaurants so friggin' cold
  35. When was your last hospital visit: January '02 for a little surgery. Good times.
  36. What color is your bedroom carpet: maybe a very soft tan color? I don't know how to describe it.
  37. How many times did you fail your drivers test: I got a perfect score. And yes, I'm a huge dork.
  38. Who is the last person you got email from before this: Emannuel Lewis
  39. Do you have a criminal record: Negative
  40. Which stores would you choose to max out your credit cards: Best Buy, Any respectable dive shop, Victoria's Secret (gotta take care of my girl) and Ronaldo's Emporium of Sex Devices
  41. What do you do most often when you are bored? Watch X-Files DVDs, play my guitar, blog, save the world
  42. Name your friend that lives the furthest away: Marvin the Martian
  43. Most annoying thing people ask me: "Are you gay?"
  44. What time is Bedtime: Generally around midnight or whenever the booze catches up with me
  45. Favorite all time TV series: The X-Files, Press Your Luck
  46. Last person you went out to dinner with: My girlfriend, her sister and her sister's boyfriend. Her sister is underage but we ordered her booze and I felt like a subversive
  47. Last Movie you saw: Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (and I give the porno industry two months to make a spoof of this film)
  48. Do you have a wooden dinosaur that someone over the age of 70 made sitting on top of your TV: Yes! How did you know?
  49. Last person with whom you had sex: a woman
  50. Time when you finished: 19:12 CST

    (0) comments


    Zak asks:

    I would like to know about the HM's stance on a two front war on different sides of the world.

    And then - as a hypothetical, say China got some balls and attacked the continental United States. What then?

    First off, this is a great question. I had to think about this one for a while.

    If you've been paying attention to Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld's news conferences talking about Iraq and North Korea and why the current Administration refuses to concede that North Korea constitutes a threat at or above the level of that of Iraq, then you know how fond he is of the term "capabilities." According to Rumsfeld, both Saddam Hussein and Kim Jong Il possess the capability to constitute a regional threat, but only Hussein currently has the intent to be a real threat.

    I have no opinion on this theory yet. But I highlight it because I want to start my answer in the realm of capability.

    I do believe that the United States has the capability to successfully wage war on two different fronts at different sides of the world. That we have the most powerful military on the planet (by quite a lot) is given; beyond manpower, the superior training and technology of the U.S. Armed Forces give the flag officers in Washington the means to diagram and execute two small theater wars. We should note that the Iraqi forces are at a reduced strength than 1991, but still a force. We should also note that North Korea boasts an army of over 1 million soldiers, with over 70% of those forces forward-deployed. This fighting force could overwhelm the 30,000 or so U.S. troops currently stationed in South Korea, but over time, the significant military advantages of the U.S. would likely overcome the North Korean forces. This would be a consideration the U.S. would need to consider, since even if Bush wanted to launch a pre-emptive strike, Seoul would almost certainly be destroyed in retaliation.

    Two important things about these opinions. 1: These are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. 2: These are paper observations, and logic seems to suggest that in war, paper advantages and battle plans become meaningless as soon as the first strike launches.

    The problem with a two-front war, in the current world environment, is the same as the problem of an advance into Iraq, notwithstanding anything else happening in the world. The citizens of the U.S. are not fully in support of the action.

    For all the advantages the U.S. would enjoy over Iraq, and for all the rapidity with which Saddam could probably be dispatched, the greater threat to U.S. success rests in the home nation. This may sound silly, but I think the overwhelming backing on military action by the voters and the opposition party. Bush enjoyed such success in Afghanistan (and for the purposes of this post, we'll assume the operations in Afghanistan successful) because he rode the wave of outrage following the World Trade Center and Pentagon attacks to a free meal ticket in the Middle East. Since then, passions have cooled and the president's meal ticket has been somewhat revoked. The same problem plagued the entire Vietnam campaign; certainly the military faced a host of other problems during the ten years of activity in Southeast Asia, but in the mid 60's Richard Nixon correctly identified domestic opposition to be the single greatest inhibitor of the war effort.

    So that's the thing; for all the megalomania of Hussein, the indications that he has no intent of keeping his promises and the continual oppression of the Iraqi people, and for all the moral posturing we do in editorials and blog entires, I do not believe that the people of this country are behind a military operation in Iraq to the extent that maybe they should be for W to justify going Hussein to satisfy his vendetta against the man who managed to make his father look stupid. I think the same could be said for an operation against North Korea. Even with this problem, W could still probably prevail in Iraq if he launched tomorrow - the military brass have been planning this operation for too long and Iraq is too weak for the X factor of the people to make a difference great enough to tip the scales. I'm not so sure this is the case with North Korea. That situation is much more delicate for the U.S. military and the regional interests close to Pyongyang.

    If something happened to scar our collective sense of country: another Pearl Harbor, September 11th or the like. If Kim Jong Il decided to decimate Seoul or Hussein carried out his threats to Israel, you would see the situation radically change. This happens and the United States suddenly finds a two-front war thrusted upon it, one that it would win through military advantages and the backing of a people who have learned to say "let's roll." It makes me ill to think that a terrorist strike of unimaginable horror or the nuclear or chemical destruction of millions of people would need to happen in order for the U.S. to really muster up its strength, but I do believe that. I just hope that circumstances work out to the contrary.

    It's possible Zak. It's possibly successful. But under the current circumstances, one front is a big enough challenge, especially if that front is North Korea.

    As to the second part of your question, the China hypothetical, here's my response: if you're afraid of that possibility, stay away from the West Coast. To try and briefly address that question with a real response: I think nuclear war begins. Our president sees things in terms too black and white to do anything else.

    This is depressing me. I need to go talk to my toilet for a while. He'll make me feel better.

    (0) comments
    Louisiana asks:

    Do you have a tattoo anywhere else [on your body], including one that would..um.. expand in certain situations?

    Sorry to disappoint, but my body is completely free from any tattoos or other adornment, including piercings (unless you include the piercing my friend and I did when we were 12 in my left earlobe with a bottle of rubbing alcohol, a piece of a potato, a needle and a LOT of pain. I let the hole grow together three days later, and shockingly only a minute scar exists to remind me that horrible day ever happened). I'm not much of a fan of tattoos and the idea of people getting them generally does nothing for me, although I must confess that my girlfriend has small tattoo on the base of her back that more or less resembles a gerbera daisy in a muted red color, and I love it. At night I like to draw the back of my index finger across it, but that's not something you really cared to know.

    I'm not exactly sure why I have the smallest of dislikes for tattoos and piercings. Perhaps I grew up with parents who were very conservative in that respect, perhaps I'm just very conservative in that respect. I do obsess about my body to some extent, and I want it to look good, but my personal opinion is that the best way to make that happen is at the gym and does not involve needles. But that really just applies to me; I don't have any disdain for people who think or feel otherwise.

    And LA, even assuming I did have the desire to get a tattoo, the last place I would put it would be the little Hose Monster (and I assume that's the item to which you're referring, because if other parts of my body are occasionally expanding, I don't really want to know about it). Call me a wussy, but placing a buzzing needle near your commander in chief just strikes me as bad idea.

    Thanks for the question.

    Zak, I will answer the two-front war question next. The truth is that over vacation I have slipped a little bit on my knolwedge of world events, so I need to bone up very quickly on what's going on out there so I don't say something that makes me look extremely stupid. At least I'd like to think I can do that...

    (0) comments


    Reason #22 to carefully crop your photographs:

    (0) comments
    Lethargy sets in.

    I have many things to which I could productively put myself today. I even walked out to my car in the bitter cold to drive up to school and ask questions about my job search, yet while I did manage to drop in unannounced on my girlfriend and pay her a surprise visit and stop for lunch, I could not muster up the motivation to do anything remotely beneficial to myself. As I sat alone eating lunch today and going through three weeks' worth of mail, I realized today would not be one of those days in which I conquer my to-do list. I never made it up to school.

    Today I want to write. Just write and write and not pay any attention to what my fingers running over little buttons produce.

    I finally got my hands around my autographed copy of "Blook," the busblog book by Tony Pierce. I have only delved a few pages into it (stopping ominously around the posts written in early September 2001, waiting to see what Tony writes during these moments), but I'm enjoying it immensely. Reading old posts helps me track the evolution of Mr. Pierce the artist, and in the year plus that Tony has maintained the busblog since producing these pages, he and his writing appear to have greatly changed. When I was messing around with the nav bar on the left and adding some "Greatest Hits" links, I had to go through my archives to link to old pages, and while doing so, I read a bunch of things I had written, and the voice of the author seems barely recognizable at times. How much difference a little time makes.

    Men Who Look Like Kenny Rogers.

    I noticed over at The Ward the other day that Ryan said he'd like to meet me some day. He notes:

    There's a blogger I'd like to someday meet, and his name is Chris Ward. Chris was a big fad before I ever set foot on HoseMonster Blog. I was probably the last of my crew to read his hoseness daily, but after a few days of archive scouring, I got hooked and continued to click around. Eventually, he threatened to block me from HoseMonster if I didn't link him, which would have effectively pinched my morphine drip. I succumbed to the impending torment and gave through. To this day, he remains there.

    I didn't know I was a fad, but hey, I could think of worse things to have happen to me. And if we decide to assume that I was a fad, what started it? Does this mean I am doomed to live the high life now and then disappear into exile with the Backstreet Boys, *N'Sync and New Kids on the Block, become an E! True Hollywood Story and eventually end up peddling my soul for a few bucks on the next version of "The Surreal Life" starring Erik Estrada, Vanilla Ice, Kimberly Conrad-Hefner, Deion Sanders and Mindy Cohn from The Facts of Life? Would this be the greatest thing ever? Oh, and I don't recall ever threatening to block the Ward boys from HM, for one reason because I wouldn't know how to do that even if I could, and secondly, I get a good laugh from their site and I'm glad they read me. I also didn't realize that I was a link whore, but it's fine. Half the time we're all making this shit up, and even if we're not, oh well, whatever, nevermind.

    I have the most boring name of anyone I know. Christopher Ward. Do you know how many Chris Wards there are out there? Sometimes I wish my name were different, but I wouldn't know to what I would want to change it.

    The real Kenny Rogers.

    When will I stop posting new pictures from Victoria's Secret?

    When the first of the following happens:

    • Someone tells me they find my posting of the pictures objectionable and a demonstration of how my shallow appreciation for beautiful women in lacy wisps of clothing belies the fact that I will never appreciate a woman for who she is and not what she looks like. When that happens I will then post my feeling that when Victoria's Secret asks "What is sexy?" while flashing black and white pictures of pushed-up women walking around half-furnished English mansions, they give each person the chance to define sexy their own way. Personally, I love Victoria's Secret stuff, and just walking by that store makes me horny, but the reason this happens is that I picture people I know, to whom I'm already extremely attracted, wearing things like that. Lingerie in itself is somewhat sexy, but it's only a shell or something, and the real attraction to anything Victoria's Secret is what's filling that shell. I could never have sex with Heidi Klum; I wouldn't know the first thing to say to her, so the hell am I supposed to sleep with her? On the other hand, I've had wonderful sex with girls I've known intimately because I feel like I know what to say before, during and after. But this whole tangent is for another time.
    • When I stop finding pictures I think are sexy enough to put in the HM Blog. I'll be the first to admit that some of the shit they sell from Vicky's is beyond ugly. One of my personal faves is the underwear with the ruffles on the butt. And I've always wanted to make a link out of the words "ruffles on the butt."
    • When I grow bored with it.

    Suddenly feeling marginally inspired to do some work. I should jump on this now while I have it. I still need to answer Zak's two-front war question, and I hope some others, but that may be for next time.

    (0) comments
    I went to bed last night trying to suffocate the overwhelming desire to be brutally honest with everyone and everything with which I interacted. Unfortunately, at 1:15 in the morning in the middle of the corn field, my potential interactions are rather limited, especially when school has not begun the spring session and the main strip outside my window resembles a ghost town more than a thriving row of bars peppered more than occasionally with undergraduate vomit.

    Then I decided that I felt like saving the world. But how to save the world, I wondered. With everyone bickering over the minutest little things and British Cricket players refusing to play their game in Zimbabwe, what world-saving could I possibly hope to accomplish from the HM Blog? I could pacify myself by trying to lead by example, by keeping things pleasant in here and showing that you don't have to love everyone around you but maybe you should try not to hate everyone, but then I realized that such words would fall impotent on readers of such sophistication, readers immune to brainwashing to the extent that they have turned away from mainstream media to blogs in the first place. And I realized that all I had left was the ability to continue posting Victoria's Secret pictures, which, although everyone loves them, may ultimately create more unrest than they alleviate.

    So instead I shot back an ounce of WalQuil (I cannot be bothered paying three extra dollars for NyQuil when Walgreen's provides me with an affordable and chemically equivalent alternative) and fell into a delirious sleep.

    I awoke this morning feeling brutally honest again. I will answer all questions immediately with complete candor today. Have I ever ended up in emergency room because I decided putting my mouth on a pool chlorinater would be a good idea? Yes I have. Have I ever been clotheslined off my bike by a mailbox? Yes I have. Do I have a tattoo on my ass that says "God love Joan Rivers"? Not yet.

    Now is your big chance. Ask me literally any question you want and I will answer it here, unless it's really inappropriate. Leave it in a comment or email it to me.


    (0) comments


    So Blogger finally decided to allow me to post after three days of shutting me down. It's easy to get frustrated at this thing, but it's easier to forget that most of us are not paying for the service, so the occasional lapse in generally good service is forgiveable. Most of the time.

    Sadly, I had some gems that didn't get posted because of the Blogger vacation. I'll try and get on them in the morning.

    (0) comments