10.25.2002

 

My boss called me back into his office yesterday morning to tell me that since the appearance of my miserable failure of the Airport Song story and my sordid attempt at fixing it, Self-Indulgence Month has gone quite downhill at the Hose Monster Blog. I had no choice but to agree. He said I could continue the ex-girlfriend stories at my discretion, but that he was lifting the obligation.

Then came my new assignment. Go to DC. Find the sniper and kick his ass. So off to the airport I went.

While waiting for my connecting flight into National in St. Louis, I heard that authorities have caught the men they think are responsible for the Beltway shootings over the last few weeks. My cell was low on battery, but I managed to complete a call to my boss’s home, interrupt his dinner and receive his blessing to turn my assignment into a brief vacation in our nation’s capital. I hung up my phone and returned to reading the fear mongering going on in this week’s issue of Newsweek.

Most of you probably know that CIA director George Tenet claimed last week that the threat of another terrorist attack on the US is currently as high, if not higher, than it was in the summer of 2001, before two buildings fell down and, depending on the pundits to whom you listen, a new age began.

So terrorism threats are up again, and I’m winging my way to the metaphorical lion’s den. I probably should feel some sort of trepidation at all of this, worry about my safety, hope that my weekend passes uneventfully, and that if another attack is to happen, to hope it delays itself until I am safely back in the cornfield. I don’t feel this way.

Obviously, I’d prefer it if no further attacks happen, and a very large part of me believes that will be the case. However, a larger part of me thinks another catastrophic event will occur sometime before my next birthday (in June, so start saving your pennies, because I like expensive gifts). If that’s going to be the case, how do I feel about it right now, writing two blocks off DuPont Circle?

Bring it.

This may be the craziest thing I’ve ever felt, but if we’re going to have to endure more horrible attacks (and please don’t misinterpret the rest of this post to think I actually want any of this to happen), I want to be there when they occur.

Is that really stupid or really weird?

I’m not afraid of dying. Obviously I have much left to accomplish with my life, and if I die tomorrow, I’ll be one of those stories in the newspaper where everyone is lamenting how a life full of promise was tragically cut short. But I’ve done a lot with life to this point. I’ve had my successes, I’ve learned volumes from my failures, I’m confident that my stint on this planet has had a lot more positive than negative consequences for those who have known me. I’m at peace with life. I could go tomorrow and be okay with it.

More importantly, if asshole terrorists want to test the fortitude of our collective citizenry and see if they can really beat us down, I want to be part of that group metaphorically raising my middle finger at them and digging through the rubble to try and find one last survivor. Not to toot my own horn excessively, but while I complain a lot about stupid petty things, when it comes to genuine moments of punctuation, good luck trying to beat me down. If I had ever been a soldier on a battlefield when we actually had divisions crashing into divisions, you would have had to kill me before getting me to surrender.

The analogy holds true on terrorism. You cannot kill the rattlesnake without destroying its head. Same with our nation. You want to beat us down, you better try and get the citizen leaders out there (not most of the politicians out there, seeing as it’s rare that a genuine citizen leaders makes it into the Oval Office, and to a lesser extent, to Congress). The problem with that effort is me and the multitude of others like me. I’m a leader, and I ain’t going to roll over. Moreover, I’m going to get on the phone to many other true leaders I know, and we’re just going to keep rolling on but not rolling over.

We’re methodical problem solvers, and these terrorists are but one more challenging problem. Had I been in New York last year, I would have tried to get to Ground Zero to clear shit away. When they barred me from the site, I’d be out doing other things. Donating blood, directing friends and family to other friends and family. Restoring the social infrastructure and rebuilding emotional support networks. When something bad happens, I slip into problem solving mode. I can be cold, even a little callous at times, in pursuit of the solution, and in those moments, rather than becoming hysterical, I’m excessively rational. The quest for a solution to the problem saturates me and nothing truly periphery sinks in. I’ve never had to do this for days on end with no sleep, but I think I probably could if the situation demanded it. And I wouldn’t want to try and inject a latent fear or problem into people who solve problems the way I do. Fear is an emotional response; responding to adversity is a rational reaction. Apples and oranges my friends. You cannot turn apples into oranges.

So yeah, it may be sick, but hey terrorists, if you want to test us again, bring it my way. You may just get me, and my mother will hate you until her dying day, but I’ll be okay with it. If you miss me, you’re going to see why your pansy-ass actions probably will not make much headway. People will scream, politicians will sling mud, and we’ll wonder in the media how such a thing could happen again. However, in the homes and apartment buildings spanning an area that bridges two oceans, you will see more flags flying and more people resolving to be themselves more than ever before.

You want to make us afraid? Test my fortitude, asshole. Try to figure out how to inject fear into people who want to be near the horror, if the horror is to happen. We have too many confident/arrogant fucks out here just like me who want the opportunity to stand up and say “eat shit” as best we can.

In the meantime, I’ll cease blowing sunshine up my own ass and return to my weekend visiting friends and drinking choice libations. But I’m ready for you, and so are a couple million people who think like me.

Bring it if you dare.

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10.23.2002

 

Do you ever receive those secret crush things in your email? You know what I'm talking about, right? Those services where you can sign up and input email addresses of people on whom you supposedly have a crush, and then those people will receive a notice that someone has a crush on them? Yeah, those.

I think I received my first one of these things my sophomore year of college. Since then I think I've received maybe 15 to 20 of them. Not really a lot, but a fair amount I think. Anyway, I have mixed reactions every time I get one of these things. First of all, it's always extremely flattering to think that someone unknown has decided I have wily charms and digs my action. Never a bad thing for your confidence.

On the other hand, these services piss me off. I'm sure you know that the way they work is that once you receive a notice of a crush, you go to the services and input email addresses of the people you're digging, and if you get a match, they tell you. Seems simple enough. In theory, it works because the service then takes the addresses you inputed and sends them a notice mathing the one you just received. Since you're hoping for a match with your crushes, on its surface it seems like a decent, if quite silly, idea.

The problem of course is that when you get one of these little crush notice, your instinct is not to enter your own crushes into the inquiry fields but to try and ascertain who sent you the notice. And if you've got the balls to go ahead and try that, you run the risk of sending notices to a bunch of random people who you think might dig you, and ugh, it just opens up a whole series of cans of worms.

So you might say that these little crush services kind of irritate me. But don't get me wrong, I really do feel flattered when I get a little crush notice.

Like today, when I found one in my mailbox.

I'm going out on a limb and (this supposes that someone was even digging me and not trying to match me up to something they had already received) guessing that whoever sent me my little love letter did so after reading this blog, because this is the only place I ever really have given out the email address in question.

So... secret admirer, if you're reading...

Send me an email and tell me how sexy you think I am that way. Set up a bogus Hotmail or Yahoo account if you're shy. I don't care if I know who you are. I'd be fine just trading emails with you and thanking you for the love.

Just for the record, I like confident people who take chances. I think it's really sexy.

And for the rest of you, sorry for reading this. I feel like I should make some restitution for this, so let me encourage you to go find your significant other in some normally mundane situation (may I recommend a library), whisper in their ear that you're horny, then walk away shaking your ass for all you got. Trust me, it will break their concentration for a good five minutes. And if you don't have a significant other, test your testicular fortitude by going up to your hottie crush and planting a nice soft kiss on their lips.

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10.22.2002

 

Important World Series Report: If anyone hits the floating target in McCovey Cove during tonight's Game 3, the entire country gets a free taco.

Almost seems like enough to root for Barry Bonds. Almost.

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I must add mine to the chorus of voices wishing Tony Pierce a terrific 109th birthday today. Flow the birthday brother a few bucks if you're feeling generous.

I kiss enough Tony ass in this blog to begin with. Actually, I don't really call it ass-kissing so much as hero worship. Tony and I write about a lot of similar themes sometimes, but everytime we're dancing with the same theme, Tony's swinging the girl around and pulling up through his legs, and while I might have a little bit of rhythm, most of the time it looks like I'm just stepping on her feet next to Mr. Pierce. Not that I mind dancing with the girl next to him, because it's still one of the easiest ways to steal a cheap feel.

Blogging is a lot of fun, and a number of people do it really well. With Tony, it's clear that he no only enjoys the piss out of it, but he does it with such a unique creativity and voice that he breaks down doors for the rest of us to tumble through.

Tony is the sole reason the Hose Monster Blog came into existence. Since its inception, my life has started wandering down new and wonderful paths, and I feel like I get to be myself just a little more often than normal. So in one sense, my life is better because Tony Pierce exists. I'll never meet the guy, but my life is great, in part, because of him. That's pretty cool.

Is it hero worship or ass kissing when you admire someone so much and you want everyone else you know to adopt the same admiration? That, my friends, is today's rhetorical question.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TONY PIERCE. I hope you get laid 109 times tonight.

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10.21.2002

 

Links in the Meesh interview below are fixed. That will teach me to try and code all that crap in Microsoft Word and cut and paste it into Blogger. Bastard.

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A little over a week ago I sat down to chat with and answer the questions of the lovely Meesh. No more than ten minutes had passed when I realized that I would just have to bite the bullet and keep the multitude of questions then running through my head to myself, seeing as we were engaged in her interview of me at the time. However, at the end of our chat, I made her assent to granting me the same opportunity to ask my important questions and satiate my curiosity. Reciprocity? Nah, just plain curiosity.

I then promptly forgot all of my questions.

So when we chatted last night, I had to ask her a series of wholly new questions and get into some of those things I have learned about her over the course of reading her blog the last few months that have been provoking my curiosity. Result: She's even more interesting than before. Find out why below.

goosefood: okay, so ready?
meeshne1: yeah
meeshne1: shoot
goosefood: very good. we'll start generally. age, area of residence, general occupation
meeshne1: ah, well I just turned 27, I am in Oxnard right now, and I am a marketing/sales manager
goosefood: always been a CA resident?
meeshne1: mmm, I was born here, lived in Hawaii, and Colorado, that's it
goosefood: how long in Hawaii, how long in CO?
meeshne1: only a couple months in colorado, hawaii about 4 years
goosefood: which island in HI?
meeshne1: on Oahu
goosefood: and so even though you only spent a few months in Colorado, you're an Avalanche fan?
meeshne1: ha, well I like to root for the underdog sometimes
meeshne1: I'm a big Redwings fan as well
meeshne1: and Kings
meeshne1: well they don't suck
goosefood: so you're a big hockey fan?
meeshne1: I like it, I am not a fiend
meeshne1: I like a little about a lot
goosefood: and i was just about to ask you to marry me...
meeshne1: I spotlighted soccer players all summer
meeshne1: skipped baseball
meeshne1: and now it's hockey
goosefood: so is meesh anywhere close to your real name?
meeshne1: yeah it's really close, not too much of a secret I don't think
meeshne1: it's Michelle
goosefood: any special story to the origin of the name meesh?
meeshne1: nah, just lazy friends
goosefood: let's talk about the blog for a little while. why do you eat cats?
meeshne1: I just like the addy, I love kitties
meeshne1: meesh@ihumpmypillow.com
meeshne1: chris@hunglikeahorsefly.com
meeshne1: for example, I mean
meeshne1: tshirthell
goosefood: gotcha

On writing about sex…
goosefood: so i love the directional turn your blog has taken in the last two months or so. have you always been something of a sex therapist/columnist, or is this a new development?
meeshne1: The less you get it, I guess the more you think and talk about it
meeshne1: gets you all riled up
goosefood: but have people always come to you with their sex related questions, or did this just sort of happen?
meeshne1: me? heck, no
meeshne1: have I always offered my opinion to people none the less? always
goosefood: as you blog about these things, are you finding that you're getting more email from people asking about their sexual curiosities?
meeshne1: Well they ask me alot of things, not always sexual, I think they like my approach rather than my opinion, it's always good to have someone tell you your normal
meeshne1: I read alot
meeshne1: ;)
goosefood: how much of the inquiries that you get do you actually answer in the blog?
meeshne1: well I have only answered a few it seems maybe 6 or so
meeshne1: I have had some exchanges with people though
meeshne1: a little more intense therapy sessions you could say
goosefood: any so explicit or otherwise eyebrow-raising stuff that you would never put them in the blog?
meeshne1: hmm, not in their original form, no
goosefood: do you like that people feel comfortable coming to you on these things and do so?
meeshne1: yeah, i guess I have always been that person
meeshne1: I like to listen, so many people are a little hopeless
goosefood: is it ever to the detriment of getting your own booty? are you ever that really nice friend when all you want to do is steam up the windows with someone?
meeshne1: well that certainly doesn't hold me back
goosefood: good for you

On the blog…
goosefood: so why did you start blogging this summer?
meeshne1: boredom, really
meeshne1: i am online all day
meeshne1: so had to get creative
meeshne1: i moved back here and I didn't know anyone
meeshne1: or people i wanted to see again
meeshne1: so I just worked and geeked ourt
goosefood: do you still blog out of boredom, or has it evolved into something else?
meeshne1: yes, it's taken over
goosefood: and turned into?
meeshne1: not quite a monster, actually a really positive outlet, i used to write all the time, it's great for stimulating the mind
meeshne1: exploring and connecting with people
meeshne1: you know all that
goosefood: indeed i do
goosefood: anything you dislike about having a blog?
meeshne1: not yet, everyone’s been really nice, i am not good with criticism. I try not to criticize either, stay away from haters
goosefood: one more thing about blogging and then we'll talk about more enjoyable stuff. is it weird knowing some of these famous LA bloggers in real life? reading about yourself in blogs?
meeshne1: I don't know any of them, just Tony
goosefood: that's a pretty good one to know
meeshne1: I know I am 3 dimensional and not two, so I try to keep it real
meeshne1: family and friends, and travelling
meeshne1: keep stuff to your self
goosefood: smart and sensible

Random silly things…
goosefood: okay, sillier things
goosefood: Who's on your Friends list of five?
meeshne1: nah, no list, i have to get to know someone before sex, some people can be smokin hot, and cold, cold fish
meeshne1: i have to smell them
goosefood: okay. that question didn't work out. forget i asked it
goosefood: (but why do you have to smell them?)
meeshne1: pheromones
goosefood: solid
goosefood: so you're single then?
meeshne1: i never really like to define things
meeshne1: i just cruise, and pick up where i left off
meeshne1: i think fondly of someone
goosefood: lucky person
meeshne1: the same person usually
meeshne1: when i am alone in my room
meeshne1: and when I wake up
goosefood: longest you've gone without sex since you first started having sex?
meeshne1: well there was quite a pause after the first
meeshne1: couple years
meeshne1: not going to elaborate
meeshne1: so, currently
meeshne1: like present time
meeshne1: um
meeshne1: 2 months maybe, i always had a boyfriend pretty much
meeshne1: why trade one in until you have another
goosefood: men are like cars that way
meeshne1: i like not having a car sometimes
meeshne1: i have one key
goosefood: walking can have its moments
goosefood: so how much does size matter?
meeshne1: i don't know I've never had a small one
meeshne1: hahaha
meeshne1: nah this one time
meeshne1: FIRST time I ever had an orgasm during sex
meeshne1: he had crazy hip action
goosefood: even though was a little on the small size?
meeshne1: little? I have bic lighters that were bigger than that
goosefood: ha ha
goosefood: hey, if it lights the cigarette though, who cares
meeshne1: that's what I'm saying
goosefood: so Bic lighter would be small. what's good size, if you could craft the perfect tool for you?
meeshne1: let me go measure it
meeshne1: hard?
goosefood: yeah
goosefood: unless a flaccid one can do good things for you
meeshne1: ok, 3.4 -4.5 inches in diameter, 7-8 inches long
meeshne1: the tip can do good things on its own
meeshne1: it's not all about the intercourse, it's about the clitoris
goosefood: of course it is
goosefood: but size is more fun to talk about
meeshne1: you talk about yours?
goosefood: not very often. it's come up in conversation before
goosefood: it's just a fun topic
goosefood: okay, so what's your favorite part of your body?
meeshne1: my thighs
goosefood: why your thighs?
meeshne1: their just really strong, and they hold my body up well,
meeshne1: they are just really toned and tight
meeshne1: long legs
meeshne1: are good
goosefood: yeah, i noticed that in the picture
goosefood: worst pick up line anyone has ever used on you?
meeshne1: did it hurt?
goosefood: you're kidding
meeshne1: nah, u know that one?
goosefood: i've never heard that one before, but it's pretty damn funny
meeshne1: funny is good
goosefood: quite true

On pre-teen TV and hot TV people…
goosefood: so i see you're a Smallville fan. do you ever get shit for watching bad WB teen TV?
meeshne1: only when buffy was on the wb
meeshne1: smallville rules
goosefood: it's one of my favorite shows
meeshne1: dawson really sucks now
meeshne1: i used to like it
meeshne1: he such a geek
meeshne1: smallville?
goosefood: yup
meeshne1: u saw this week, yeah?
goosefood: i did
meeshne1: he looked damn sexy
goosefood: that was one of the hottest kissing scenes i've ever seen on tv
meeshne1: and how hot is she?
goosefood: extremely hot
meeshne1: see her in maxim?
goosefood: no
meeshne1: or was it FHM
goosefood: will have to peruse the internet later tonight...
goosefood: you think Tom Welling is hot then? You like the innocent looking guys, or was it the bad boy thing he had going last week?
meeshne1: he is getting there
meeshne1: he's a little boyish for me
meeshne1: getting those superman muscles in though
meeshne1: it's the superman thing too
goosefood: he's probably got a big one
meeshne1: i like to think so

Legitimately interesting questions…
goosefood: okay, so a few actually thought-provoking questions:
goosefood: if you could be doing anything with your life right now, what would it be?
meeshne1: backpack through thailand
meeshne1: or canada
goosefood: because?
meeshne1: i just like to trek, i just don't see myself in one stop right now, lots to see
meeshne1: i need to work a little first though
goosefood: what do you ultimately want from life?
meeshne1: i want experiences, and realtionships, and food, and entertainment, and family
meeshne1: good movies, good dinners, dogs
meeshne1: sunsets
meeshne1: friends, the ocean, the mountains, the sun
meeshne1: dreams, and fantasies, illusions
meeshne1: some psychedelics too
meeshne1: fireworks
meeshne1: kisses
meeshne1: and a garden
goosefood: think Southern Cal is a good place for all of that?
meeshne1: and a jacuzzi
meeshne1: anywhere is a good place for that1
meeshne1: i like the stretches of coast I’ve been in
meeshne1: i am ready for some mountains
goosefood: okay, final brilliant question:
goosefood: if you could have your perfect fantasy sex, where would it happen (geographically and location wise) and how would it come about?
goosefood: it's not that brilliant, i admit, but it's late and my mind sucks this week
meeshne1: hmmm, fantasy, ok, let me get in the mode
meeshne1: i think somewhere hot and tropical thailand or tahiti
meeshne1: a big open bedroom, a big lanai with hammocks
meeshne1: and a big round be covered in mosquito net and lots of pillows
meeshne1: and white candles everywhere
meeshne1: just the sound of the waves
meeshne1: a big jacuzzi tub
meeshne1: with bubbles
meeshne1: and a huge fur rug with pillows
meeshne1: and strawberries with champagne
meeshne1: and what ever else goes good with that
meeshne1: just for days
goosefood: did this just come to you, or is it a fantasy you've developed over some time?
meeshne1: no i just made it up
goosefood: that's pretty good
meeshne1: the mountains
meeshne1: in a big cabin with tall ceilings and a huge fireplace
meeshne1: the gondola
meeshne1: love the gondola
goosefood: it's been a while since you've written a sex fantasy story in the blog. might be time to do it again
meeshne1: takes alot out of ya
meeshne1: I will work one up here real soon
goosefood: lucky us
meeshne1: i think of you
goosefood: (blushing)
meeshne1: just changing it up
meeshne1: I am so ready for a new environment
meeshne1: i love LA, but I am ready for some nature
meeshne1: and shopping
goosefood: okay, well that's all i've got. thanks for taking the time to chat with me. next time i'm in LA you'll have to let me buy you a beer. we can talk about nature

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10.20.2002

 

To the person who decided it would be a good idea to steal my bicycle seat this afternoon:

Fuck you.

Who steals a bicycle seat? Honestly, what the hell are you going to do with it? Add it to your stolen bike seat collection? I'm already the dorky guy who rides a bright blue and yellow bike to school. Today I was the dorky guy riding a bright blue and yellow bike home from the law library on a Sunday afternoon -- a bike without a seat.

You're a pathetic moron who has no respect for other people. If you were even a good thief, you'd be more ambitious and go for a car, or a bank, or at the very least, the whole bike. What a stupid, petty thing to do. My small consolation comes from the fact that I paid $90 for that bike, so the quality of the seat you got was pretty ghetto. Just like you.

Asshole.

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