11.01.2002

 

SHOCKED does not begin to describe my feeling at this very moment. The Sports Guy is moving to Hollywood.

In my opinion, Bill Simmons is probably the closest thing to Mike Royko reincarnated as I'll ever read in my life. There have been times in the last year of reading his column where I have been brought to tears by the jokes and stories he wonderfully elucidates in his thrice-weekly column on Page 2. Like Royko, he manages to play the role of the everyman writer and still inject such intense personalization into his columns that everybody I know who reads Simmons fiercely adores the man. He says exactly what we're all thinking, but in ways we'd never manage to say it ourselves.

He'll be scaling back his writing for Page 2 once he makes the move out to my home town to start working on a TV show. This sucks for readers like me who make reading his column an almost daily ritual. On the other hand, as he's said many times, writing for TV has been his dream, and now he's there. Did I mention in my home town?

Sad day for us in some ways. But super for the Sports Guy. Good luck man.

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10.31.2002

 

Hey y'all. Quick apology for the sparse nature of the posts for the last few weeks. Life has grown very busy. I'll try to improve on that.

And by the way, I'd love it if a few more guest bloggers wanted to try their wares on this site. Email me your post and and I'll put it up.

Random thoughts written a few days ago...

Apparently I'm not the only guy who hates button-fly pants. First of all, the whole reason dudes have a fly on their pants is for quick access. Unless you spend time practicing, and I don't, the button fly negates the quick access thing. You have to undo at least three buttons, maybe more if you're huge, just to extract your schween and take a leak. Where's the quick access in that? And then you look like a tool standing at the urinal trying to button up your fly, dancing around trying to manipulate those damned little buttons into the slot, further slowing down your "quick" trip to the can in the hopes that you don't miss the beginning of the third period. Why render a feature designed for quick access useless as to its original design?

Then, supposing you're doing pretty well with a girl one night, the button fly poses a whole new set of problems. I've had girls chastise me for undoing more buttons than necessary (this after it took me five minutes to get those buttons undone in the first place), had girls laugh at it for my ineptness at undressing them (and pants are hard enough to take off of someone else without additional problems presented by stupid stylistic features) and just generally let me look stupid because of those damn things. Thankfully I'm a pretty silly guy, and I'm cool with looking stupid, so it never ruins things, but still, one of these days I'd like to look really smooth, and if the button fly keeps making an appearance in my bedroom, well, I'm not going to complain, but I'll continue to look just a little bit silly.

All this brought me to a revelation this past weekend: Would a Velcro fly work? Think about this: a Velcro fly meets and even exceeds the same high standards of speediness and efficiency that a zipper fly does, it's as simple to put back together as a zipper fly, and it probably would even close itself off naturally if for some reason you commit the embarrassing sin of oversight and leave the meat locker open and let everyone get a glimpse of the fruits of the loom. Moreover, can you imagine the enjoyable audible tearing sound that you would get to hear when you started ripping some girl's pants off? Wouldn't that add a fun little element of spice and make you seem like that animal that simply cannot wait to get on her? Would that turn her on more? And what would the potential drawbacks to the Velcro fly be? Maybe a little scratch on your schween if you're not careful putting him back inside? Compared the agony you could experience with a similar oversight on a zipper fly, I'd say the cost-benefit analysis here at least stands up to the zipper fly? I refuse to believe I'm the first person to think of this, so why hasn't it caught on?

Would you buy pants with a Velcro fly? I totally would.

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10.30.2002

 

You know when you're really cold, but you have to pee, and your hands are frigid, either because you've been outside for a while or the room is really cold or whatever, but you really do have to pee, so you unzip your fly, reach in to pull out the little Hose Monster, and right when you grab it, your cold fingers on the little HM scare you just a bit? Yeah, I hate when that happens too.

Dumbasses quizzes I did before class, courtesy of Dawn "Up Yours and my submissive ass" Olsen.

Nope. Definitely not bisexual. Thank you for trying ;)

Although you only like to eat one kind of meat,

that doesn't mean you are any less of a sexual gourmand.

You just choose only the finest of dicks/breasts

(whichever strikes your particular gender's fancy)

and enjoy them with the style and panache that ideally suits you.



Are *You* Bisexual? Click Here to Find Out!

You Have a Nice Ass!

Oooh, baby can you shake that booty?

With an ass so fine, it's your duty.

Give it a grab, give it a spank.

You're the envy of every skank.



What Ass Do *You* Have??

Your Sex Life's Above Average!

You're sex life is good, but you're no ho,

It takes a while before you're ready to go.

You have more sex than the average joe.

You aren't really fast, but you sure aren't slow.



How Does *Your* Sex Life Compare?

This is what happens when I don't have the energy to write anything thought-provoking. Will try harder next time, I promise.

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10.29.2002

 

Today's guest blogger: Alfred Pennyworth.

---

This is for the hoseman.

This is for the fella that is so goddamm fukkin renaissance they named a goddamm fair after him.

This is for the cholos rolling dubs on figueroa and the vatos draped in old skool zoot suits and extra long cigarette holders.

This is for the ancient chinese rituals that make ballers shot callers and space invaders dillapidators.

This is for the bud-light swilling barroom brawling bullseye dart throwing 10-gallon hat wearing brut aftershave sportin captain america profilin kickbackers.

This is for all them peeps that never had a jeep or an escalade but tha impala was revved and parallel pinstriped and exhaust equipped for about a 72 jiggawatt connection.

This is for the joker smokers with t-bill croakin master ace promoting paper haters.

This is for the extra sauce and cheese masked hamburgler con artists riding a golden arch steamboat down the mainstream retina to tunes of critical success and acclaim.

This is for the blacktop lurking dribbling dishmasters that can glide like a pigeon and stink like a bomb.

This is for the editors and their red pens and weary eyes and the desk clerks scopin benjamins by the coffee machine stacked with thai _mocha.

This is for pin the tail on the donkey and curious george and the mighty morphin power rangers and saved by the bell and chachi in charge and greatest american hero the incredible hulk the jeffersons and webster. and different strokes.

This is for principal skinner and the 86 mop jackers and #68 greaseball merloski.

And last and most essentially not least it's for g-town rose bowl risers and presto advertisers.

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10.28.2002

 

Looking for Guest Bloggers...

The end of Daylight Savings Time always hits me, on a psychological level, just a little bit hard. When I lived in California, I never minded much because it meant I could break out my sweatshirts every day. Since moving to the Midwest, the return of regular time has always signaled to me impending snows and cold ears. I don't mind those things that much, but it does take me a little while to mentally prepare myself for the winter.

The Monday after the time change is always the hardest day because you're surprised by the change, by the darkness falling on you much earlier in your routine than you were expecting. It was dark when I finally left class today, and while the darkness made no actual difference on the amount of time remaining to me in the day, I nonetheless immediately felt overwhelmed by the amount of things I have remaining to do today and the absence of time in which to do them all.

Law school is really catching up with me, and this week might be the most difficult one I'll have this semester outside of the finals season. I'm not yet a day into it and I'm already worried that I will not get much sleep this week because of my concerns about work and whatnot. I'm absolutely convinced the blog will fall into a state of neglect for a little while. And while I think I could get by without writing much for a week, I want to show my appreciation to all of you who come here to read every day by making sure you have something to read.

So I'm looking for a few guest bloggers this week.

Any topic or theme is fine, because diversity is important. So hey, if you want a chance to see something you wrote appear on this site, send me your guest blog effort in an email, and I'll do my best to put it up here in a timely manner. If I get a huge amount of responses to this request, which I somewhat doubt I will, I reserve the right to not put up something you send, but if I got nothing, I'll put up whatever.

Thanks in advance for helping me out. No go write something and send it to me.

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10.27.2002

 

Meesh tells me I should try my hand at writing some erotic posts. It’s easy for her to say: she’s great at it, and recently indulged me request to write more on her site. She says that I get really close sometimes, that I tend to dance a pretty little two-step along a line of sensuality, but that I always hold something back.

She’s certainly right in that I hold things back a little bit from time to time. I’ve always thought that one of the things that makes good writing good is that the author, with a mix of latent and salient techniques, points the reader in the direction he or she is thinking, but that ultimately the artist leaves the reader to come to his own conclusions on what elements of the text mean and don’t mean. This might account for my holding back from time to time. Not to say I thin I’m a great writer, but I’d at least like to make use of the techniques I think help carry a piece of writing above the realm of the mundane.

But what would I write about? Certainly my hesitancy at this point does not derive from a lack of imagination; my fantasies distract me from the routines of life as much as the next person, if not more so.

I think I probably fantasize in a different manner than most people: I get turned on by situations, images, the thought of being with a certain person in a certain way at a certain time, not necessarily doing certain things with them (though those certain things generally would happen as consequences of those certain situations). The idea of some girl riding me and screaming out my name, while certainly not an unpleasant image, is not the first thing that would come to mind if I were to sit back and start fantasizing.

So given the fact that while I love my fantasies and find them extremely exciting, I wonder if I would ever find successful erotic ideas in my head, if I could ever create something that would be a little more interesting than “and she was dripping wet as I slowly spread her open with short thrusts of hips.” Maybe I’m just boring in some respects. Maybe I just think Meesh is really good at it, and I want to leave the doing of some things to the experts.

Obviously I could detail some past sexual encounters in this blog that have actually happened, and the truth is that you’d never know if I made it up or if it really happened. When I read Meesh talk about getting nailed out on the balcony from behind, I wonder if that actually happened and I think that curiosity is a big part of the reason why I enjoy reading her erotica.

Maybe I’ll give it a try soon. For the moment, I’m on a crowded airplane and I’m just not sure how my flight mates will react when they see me typing in sentences on how she muttered in gasping words how that was second time. Later perhaps.

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