6.29.2002

 

I love living in the city. But there are times when getting away from it is the greatest thing imaginable. Greetings from Incline Village, Nevada.

Not a whole lot going on up here. Relaxing, getting ready to play some golf and drink some beer. Good times all around.

I know it's a day when I can just chill and relax, when I cannot even find a decent news story that bears my commentary. Except for this one. Did Georgie really need to invoke the 25th Amendment for this? My guess is that he wanted to show us all his command of the contents of the Constitution. But that's only a guess.

I guess as much as I have my reservations about W, the knowledge that Cheney was temporarily the biggest cheese in this nation of ours makes me feel a little queesy.

But just a little.

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6.28.2002

 

Last week I wanted to talk about hooking up in fun places. I only got one response, but it was a solid entry.

As a service to my three readers, I will now detail some of my favorite personal hook-ups. And KSwans, I do not have too much time on my hands.

In college, at a sleepover, sharing an air mattress with four other people in the room. I remember this one fondly. Might have been the first time I ever thought that I might be good at the physical arts. Maybe.

While Uncle Buck was playing on the TV. There's no aphrodisiac quite like the image of a bowling ball hitting John Candy on the head. Inexplicable.

At 623 West Belden. Where Janie and I started it all. I'm such a softie. But I do adore that girl.

In Denmark, in an ice rink, inside the snack bar with a young Danish girl who spoke no English. I remember we were inside this snack bar with the curtain drawn, and I was noticing how even though Kit Kat in Europe is the same as Kit Kat in the US that the packaging is different, I suddenly found myself engaged with a young Danish blond.

I speak no Danish, she spoke no English, so we pretty much relied on body language. She told she was 16, and she looked every bit of it. I was 17 at the time. A week later, when she accompanied me to the airport and bid me farewell, she told me that she was really 14. Mortifying. I don't even have a joke here. Moving on.

In Spain, in an empty bar, dancing to Elvis Crespo. This night may also go down as the dumbest in my life. I had been chasing this girl in Spain for months. Then she's hitting me over the head with signs and I'm too dumb to figure it out until two weeks later. When I was on the other side of the pond.

Right after I fell off a swingset and hit my head really hard. I never knew the Florence Nightengale effect could be so strong. Too bad it was not intentional. One of the smoother moments of my life.

Those are some of my favorites. I'm a boring person. Tell me how much more exciting your hook-ups are. The winner will be taken to lunch by yours truly.

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I don't believe in the end of the world. At least not in the Biblical sense. At some point the sun will swell up and consume the Earth, or we may set off a nuclear war in Jerusalem that kills our species, but as for the Four Horsemen or things like that (unless you're talking about the old WCW alliance, and if you remember that, I strongly commend you), I think everything will just keep going right along until the Cubs win the World Series, at which point the world might actually end. But I don't foresee that happening anytime soon.

But this guy brings an interesting approach to things. He even has an index helping you determine how close to the end we are. Interesting. I was just in Texas, and my personal index was hitting record highs.

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6.27.2002

 

Thanks to the joys of my non-functioning dial up connection here in the Arlington Hilton, room number 523, I find myself prevented from commenting on two interesting news events.

First off, this pledge of allegiance thing is ridiculous. It seems to me that everyone is ignoring a larger point. I really wish our lawmakers would go about the business of refining the infrastructure that makes this nation great instead of just assuming it is and always will be great and forcing their opinion on the children who don’t even know what’s supposed to be happening.

Ask yourself a question: When was the last time you even said the Pledge of Allegiance? Was it before or after you even know what it meant? Or were you just making the sounds you were taught to make before you could even pronounce, let alone understand, the word “indivisible.”

I'm not against saying the Pledge, nor am I adamantly for it. But just for the record, I’m in favor of not having the God part in the Pledge. But if it’s in there … shit man, if you don’t agree with it, then just don’t say it. The Gestapo ain’t going to come knocking on your door that night. That’s your right in this nation of ours, the one whose lawmakers want to spend their time wasting my tax dollars on bullshit instead of focusing on real constituent issues.

This brings up another point. No, I'm not opposed to saying it. But why do we even have a Pledge of Allegiance? Let’s have our young kiddies pledge to be good citizens rather than bowing down to an inanimate object. And while we’re at it, let’s teach the kids what the sounds mean instead of just requiring them to say it every morning before they review their times tables.

As for the Worldcon (I know it's Worldcom, by my way sounds better) sadness of yesterday, I regrettably cannot go educate myself on CNN at this moment. But Newsweek has done a wonderful job telling me this week that I should be up in arms over all the scandals going on in corporate America. As a current member of that group, I cannot say too much without being hypocritical, so I will be political.

But the company's response to the revelation that they misreported earnings by only a few billion dollars? Dismiss 10,000 low level employees. Right, get rid of those people who were clearly responsible for the misrepresentation of earnings and are clearly not out there just trying to make a buck and put some grub on the tables of their families. Makes sense to me.

This ends my political rant for the evening. I will now watch The Mind of the Married Man, one of the funniest damn shows I have ever seen.

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Things I have learned in Texas:

After 7.5 hours…

1. I will never own a Dodge Intrepid. It is the worst car ever.
2. Very few Spanish speaking men are particularly interested in 401(k) plans.
3. There is a place where I can check into my hotel room and order a Wendy’s Chicken Cordon Bleu under the same roof. Thank god.
4. DFW airport is bigger than both Dallas and Fort Worth.
5. Wherever you are, there’s a Six Flags near you.
6. People really do just sit outside their motel room and share a 12 pack of suds.
7. Dallas-Fort Worth may be one of the biggest metro areas in the world, but it still has shitty radio.
8. Traveling on someone else’s dime is not the worst thing in the world. Even in Texas.

After 10 hours…
9. Too much time alone reading makes Chris too politically charged.

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6.26.2002

 

Greetings from Arlington, Texas.

I may make some enemies here, and if I do, you can all go suck it, but I hate Texas. It's too hot, too flat and too Republican for my blood. Not to mention that every time I have been in this state, something not so good happens. I'm just waiting for it on this trip.

Unfortunately, my dial up connection blows beyond belief, so I am going to have to capture my thoughts in Word and put them in my blog at a later time. I hope you understand, my dear, dear reader.

In the meantime, friends who are emailing me ideas for my blog: You're the best. Keep doing so.

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6.25.2002

 

Shannon might have just become someone's arch enemy.

She woke up a few days ago with the ability to start fires at random. Apparently she's responsible for three fires that have hit our fair city in the last five days. I had the great pleasure of witnessing one on TV Sunday night while watching the Cubs defeat the Cardinals. I must now wonder if Ms. Shan is responsible for the conflagrations in Arizona and Colorado.

It all sounds very suspicious to me. I wonder if she was working in the lab late one night when a horrible freak accident occurred involving a Zippo and a particle accelerator, giving Shan the power to bring drought-ravaged areas to their knees. I cannot wait to find out what comic book name she adopts for herself.

Incidents like this sound like superhero backgrounds, but seeing as I am at a loss as to how the ability to start explosions and fires can serve the powers of good, I can only decide that Shannon is on the opposite end of the spectrum. But only in relation to this one area only, because Shan is a hip chick and loads of fun. I like the way she makes people laugh.

Anyway, it appears that Smokey the Bear has met his match. I'm very excited for the movie. Coming Summer 2003.

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When I was about 14, one of my friends had a little birthday celebration at Ed Debevic's on La Cienaga in LA.

Birthday parties are supposed to be forgetable. Especially when it's not your birthday. But ironically, I find that I often have more fun at other people's parties than at my own. It might have something to do with the fact that my birthday has historically been a non event (but this year was pretty good).

Anyway, so I'm sitting at Ed's enjoying my chicken fingers and our 14-year old witty table banter when my poor 14-year old head feels the impact of a wadded up napkin. I retrieve said napkin to find a message written on it.

"You are the hottest guy I have ever seen."

You must realize that I am aware that I'm looking pretty studly on this particular evening. Knowing I was going out with a bunch of 14-year old dudes, I had dressed my 14-year old best in a pair of jeans and my most favorite quicksilver t-shirt. (I cannot believe they have a web site.) I might have even combed my hair that night. It's a blur. But yeah, I was oozing mack like nobody's business.

I turn around to locate my admirer and discover that the table behind me is populated with a group of girls (11 years old? 12?) who instantly giggle and turn away as I turn my head to them. My first thought is "great, younger chickies." My second thought was "even though they're young, at least they think I'm the hottest guy they have ever seen instead of the ugliest guy." In hindsight, I was really relieved that I was looking at young fifth graders and not starring across the room at Heidi Klum, because to be perfectly honest, much like now, at 14 I had no game whatsoever. I would have had to go over there, stick my foot in my mouth, and blow it with one of the most stunning women in the world. Even though I was the hottest guy she had ever seen.

But the moral of the story is that I went home feeling very secure in my quicksilver-packaged studliness. A great thing for a 14-year old boy who hasn't quite yet tipped the scales at 100 pounds.

The next day my sister told me that she was absolutely positive that I was either going to be a priest or a gay librarian when I grew up.

I didn't feel so studly anymore.

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I want to see how popular I am. So I go to google and type in "Hosemonster." I immediately learn two things.
1. I'm not that popular.
2. Some people are weird.

Blondemaster Wipf has quickly become my favorite reader. Not only does she let me know that she reads my blog (and yes, I do need the attention), but she gives me something about which I should think.

Ironically, I used to think getting booty (and any type of booty will suffice in this case) in the library at my adult training grounds of college would have been fun. I think it was the risk factor that made it interesting. But the more I thought about it, the less appealing it became. Risk still piques my interest, but the library has some pretty hard concrete floors, and I'll admit it -- I have sissy knees. And since it couldn't happen between the bookshelves, any place where it could have been potentially comfortable would have been too exposed or not risky enough. Then I heard about others getting it on in the moat at the older library, and I thought that sounded pretty cool. Maybe some day.

But to get back to the Blondemaster's inquiry: Nope, never hooked up in that library or any library. Not good times. I'm such a loser.

My request to the Blondemaster and anyone else who might be reading this: tell me the most risqué or random place you have ever gotten action, and I promise to list my favorites on my blog, even if my parents might be reading this.

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On a beautiful Monday June evening, I made my first trip of the baseball season to Wrigley Field to watch the Cubbies put away the Cincinnati Reds with some late inning offense. With the exception of some young teenage girls getting very riled up for such trifles as the peanut man (note to all you teenage girls out there: screaming out "I need some nuts!" is not as funny as you think it is), I had myself a very good time.

I also got to spend some time with Janie and our friend Elizabeth, who has been chilling in France for the last six months and consequently having way too much fun. Welcome back to our humid city Elizabeth. We missed you.

It's a well documented fact that I am not a passenger on the Anna Kournikova bandwagon.

Yes, I think she's attractive and nubile and all those other wonderful things that many of my male brethren shamelessly throw at her. But she's not that good looking. If you're looking for female athletes, I personally will take Mia Hamm over Anna any day of the week, just as one example of many. Mia is totally cute, and actually quite good at her chosen sport. Anna should take note.

But my sympathy is extended to Anna on this day for royally sucking up the joint at Wimbledon. Maybe if she could just win a tournament (any tournament), she could stop crying and drawing all this criticism. Poor thing. It must be hard to be extremely wealthy, beautiful and desired, and get to go to all the hockey games you want. Oh, and Anna: Stay away from Sergei when it's his day to be with the Stanley Cup. We wouldn't want you to blemish the greatest trophy in sports.

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6.24.2002

 

I was driving home from the doctor’s office today, and I passed a man selling the Chicago Sun Times for a quarter a piece, and my very first thought was, “That lucky guy never has to hunt for quarters on laundry day. What a luxury.” Perception is a strange thing.

I am watching Dubya call on the Palestinians to throw out Arafat. Bush has pretty much outright called Yasir a terrorist and told the Palestinians that their democratic processes have been compromised.

The situation in the Middle East is one of those things that I can always look to if I want to feel depressed. It quite saddens me that people can go to such great lengths to kill each other, including killing themselves to inflict death upon others, all in the name of faith. At least that is what it boils down to, in my mind.

I’m listening to Bush use such phrases as “final settlement.” I wish I could believe him. I wish we could see a final settlement.

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Trying to see the doctor this morning. If I have mono again, I think I will throw myself off of a cliff. In the meantime, while I wait to see the doc, I'm sitting in the library of the university I attended not so long ago. It's weird being here, but the quiet will help me dwell on my mono paranoia and some of the work I have to do.

So five days into being a blogger, and a few of my friends have weighed in on my writings.

Paulita, I'm not crazy. Well, no more now than I was earlier.

Blondmaster Wipf, thanks for throwing in your two cents on my homeless guy. Maybe it is the dog.

I also got a great piece of mail from my old friend Ruffneck. But his mail deserves a blog entry of its own. More to come. And better health too, I hope.

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6.23.2002

 

Jane and I watched Seven this weekend.

If you have not seen the movie, send me an email. You can borrow my DVD copy. I think this movie is one of the finest pieces of filmmaking of the last ten years. Watch this movie. It really touches on one of those deeper elements of something in all of all lives. It’s a fantastic film. Quite likely you will not exactly like it, but I’ll wager you’ll appreciate the film once you do see it. Just don’t watch it alone.

Anyway, Janie was a little upset by the movie, which is probably the correct reaction. But every time I see the movie, I realize a little more that we need representations of evil like this movie gives us to remind us that evil does exist and sometimes it can be so incomprehensible as to reduce us to tears.

And as much as we might hate them, or be disgusted by them, I think we should try and appreciate these representations for what they are. We are not only reminded that we live in a world where evil makes its appearance known every day, but we are shown that for all of our drawbacks, the grand majority of us are good people.

Seven reminds me to always be aware, but to always remember to be a good person and try hard to be a better person. It should make you feel something too.

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I had mono last summer, and even though it didn’t actually keep me from going about my daily life, I had to stop going to the gym and all the other active stuff that I like to do. From the moment I got it, life completely sucked. It took me half a year to get out of that funk.

I have not been feeling my absolute best for the last couple of days. The thing that is really freaking me out is that I am afraid I have mono again because I am experiencing the same symptoms as last year. And life is really pretty good right now. I think I’m really afraid that I’m going to lose another half a year to this, especially when I have so many great things coming up.

This better not be what I am afraid it is.

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